Posts tagged as:

Shame

Shame experienced by abuse victims

by Clare Murphy on August 19 2009

Dr Angela Jury conducted interviews with 25 survivors of intimate partner abuse for her PhD research. The following are extracts from a Massey University news release about her study:

Abused women – especially victims of psychological and emotional torment – are often so paralysed by what they see as the stigma and shame associated with their situation that they are unable to seek help.

Agencies working with them need to better understand how the profound shame the victims feel not only deters them from seeking help, but can be reinforced by educational and promotional messages aimed at trying to help them.

“My research was focused in one direction – finding the explanation of how it was that some women were able to remove themselves from the experience of abuse and maintain lives free from violence, whereas others appeared unable to do so, remaining with abusive partners for extended periods of time or eventually leaving, only to find themselves once more involved in violent relationships,” she says.

“It is most clearly illustrated in the use of language around choice and freedom in advice to abused women – ‘you don’t have to live like this’, ‘you can leave’, ‘there is help available’. All of these – while probably selected as terms offering empowerment to victims – can also operate to engender a sense of weakness on the part of victims…thus creating a sense of shame and self-blame.

“We need to shift the focus for dealing with abuse and violence off the victim. It should not be seen as her responsibility to decide she wants it to stop – nor should not doing so be seen as the victim’s shameful failure.”

You can read the complete article here.

{ 1 comment }

Women are socialised to find self-worth by living with a man

by Clare Murphy on June 23 2009

Women continue to be bombarded with social messages that suggest they can find self-worth by marrying or committing to live long-term with a man

But this does not mean they enter a relationship that leads to abuse and control. However, this was the case for many of the women I interviewed in my Masters research, and many of the women I see for counselling.

Some women talk about having their life mapped out for them. For example, whether or not they worked, or not, after leaving school, some women said that time was about “waiting for Mr Right”. One woman said:

“I grew up with this idea that I would work for a while then I would get married and I would have children. It never occurred to me that I didn’t have to be married. There was quite a lot of security in the idea of getting married and having children because that’s your life taken care of. You don’t have to make any more decisions, it’s like ‘there it is, that’s what you do’. I can be a wife, I can get up and make the breakfast.”

Other women said they married because they were past their “due by” date. Some women talk about feeling “desperate” to marry, which was the case for a woman who was four or five years older than when her family members usually married. Social messages shape the idea that it is humiliating for women to be “left on the shelf”.

Several women believed that remaining single meant being a failure. For example:

“It was terrible, it was horrific, to be single, aah, no I couldn’t even entertain it, it was just too much to even think about. A failure, unloved, unworthy, no value, don’t bother being here. I think if I never had married him, I probably would have suicided because it just reinforced the belief that I was nothing.”

couple at park benchMany women say they were aware that there was something wrong before they married their boyfriend. For example, those women saw warning signs that their partners were nasty, lying, neglectful, did not respect women, or that he took her for granted. But, despite seeing such behaviours many women believe they have to marry to prove their worth. For example, a woman who married at age 32 said:

“I’d finally made it, finally had a sense of worth. The day I wore a wedding ring I felt it in my body, every part of me, as if I had just risen in status. I was so proud to say my name was Mrs instead of Miss. I felt that people looked at me differently and treated me differently as if they had more respect for me. It gave me a real sense of confidence and certainty that I now had a place in society.”

And several women said as this woman did:

“It was like an achievement, my mother used to make comments about how no-one would ever want to marry me and it was like, ‘Look, they do, they do, I’ve done it. I’m a real person’ (laughter).”

Not all women who detect problems early in the relationship continue to stay, for example one woman who had been living with her partner for 20 months, said that she knew from her experience of the abuse that she “wouldn’t have married him if he asked”. However, this decision did not mean the end of abuse. At the time of interviewing her, she was experiencing ongoing custody battles that were eating into her finances. Court orders that favoured the abusive and controlling man’s requests meant that she was not legally permitted to move with her child out of town to where she could pursue better career prospects.

Fairy tales, Hollywood movies and ordinary people who live next door, give out messages that young women should find a “Mr Right”, settle down and remain married for better or worse. Whilst marriage or living with a man continues to be perceived as superior to being a single heterosexual woman, this leaves victimised, abused and controlled women in a tough position. If living with “Mr Right” turns out to be living with “Mr Wrong” many women then experience shame. Shame for speaking out about abuse, shame for not standing up against warning signs, shame for not seeing warning signs, shame for staying and shame for leaving. Many women lose friends if they stay and they lose friends if they leave. Sisters, mothers, girlfriends and fathers encourage women to stay – “you’ve made your bed, you lie in it”. Cliché after cliché of this type robs women of self-belief, self-confidence and intuition.

Not all women believe marriage is the only source of self-worth

On the other hand not all women I’ve interviewed, or whom I’ve counselled, believed marriage or living with a man was the only source of self-worth. Nor did all women experience any warning signs of abuse and control early in their relationships. Nor did all women have doubts that they were definitely being psychologically controlled.

But . . . many women have never learned to critique social messages

For women who are abused and controlled by a man they love and trust, if those women have not yet learned to critique social messages that guide their relationship decisions, those women experience a double-bind to contend with. 1. Abuse and control by their partner and 2. Controlling social messages.Both of these rob women of their right to self-determination and free choice.

{ 1 comment }

The Emperor has no clothes on

by Clare Murphy on June 10 2009

In 2001 I interviewed women who had left their psychologically abusive and controlling male partners/husbands. Before marrying, most of the women had total belief in their partner – because he was a man. The women said this belief was socially encouraged. For example one woman said:

“Over the time that I was with him my self-doubt grew even more and more because everything I suggested just got put down. It just proved the patriarchal thing that women are inferior and men are superior, they do know more, they are cleverer.”

Some other women said that at the time they were “quite happy” to allow their husband to make decisions because “he seemed to know best”. For example one woman said her partner “could present very strong seemingly logical, rational arguments. I thought he must be right so I’d shift my opinions. I started to think that I must be quite thick”. This belief in their partners was not just about these individual women, this is a social issue.

Finally, another woman said that she had thought that believing in the man’s superiority was a sign of love:

“It didn’t really worry me at the time because it felt quite nice in a way, like protected. He was right, and that I didn’t know as much as he did, about things. He knew what he was doing. It just confirmed to me that I was a bit incompetent really.”

This historical notion that men are dominant, more superior, stronger, more capable, more knowledgeable and more logical to women is not natural. It is the way our society has been constructed over thousands for years. In my recent research with male perpetrators of domestic violence, these men discussed the social influences on the men to climb the hierarchy of masculinities. What that meant to those men during their school days, was that to gain respect, prestige, kudos and acceptance from other boys, from teachers, sports coaches and from some girls, it was important that they dominate so-called weaker boys and that they dominate and control females.

time-to-up-rootMany boys and girls who are not taught to critique society, grow up believing in social hierarchies. They learn that male power and domination is sexy. They learn that female submission is necessary for a marriage to work. Yet at the same time deep down they know this does not seem right, but no one talks about it. What has to happen for these social constructs to be up rooted?

It is extremely rare for boys to talk amongst themselves and say, “Do we actually want to dominate each other? Do we really want to walk all over each other just so some of us can have power and the rest of us can be squashed?” According to the men I researched, and the many other research projects I have read, many boys learn that it is not safe to have such discussions. If they do, they would be risking a loss of masculine status. And that loss of status can bring shame, humiliation and ostracism.

It is extremely rare for girls to talk amongst themselves and say, “How can we learn to love men who are genuinely kind, caring, respectful and want a relationship in which our differences are respected – as opposed to believing the man is better than and the woman is lesser than?” Because these issues are seldom discussed, many girls start to believe in their fate – that they have to tow the line. Many girls learn that arguing against it or questioning it are not very feminine behaviours. And so the cycle of silence continues.

Instead, like Hans Christian Andersen’s fable shows below, most of society pretends that it is totally okay that dominating and controlling kinds of male behaviour are honourable and that being a “good wife” is admirable.

change-is-inevitableIt is time that more people muster the courage of honesty. To take a step towards change – towards stopping violence, psychological abuse and control, by men, against women – it is imperative that we be honest about how we each are truly affected by social hierarchies. It is time to courageously speak the truth that is inside each of our hearts.

The following is a snippet of the fable that inspired this cry for such honesty:

In Hans Christian Andersen’s story, The Emperor’s New Suit, written in 1837, there lived an emperor, whose only ambition was to be always well dressed. One day two swindlers came to his city and they made people believe that they were weavers, and declared they could manufacture the finest cloth to be imagined. Their colours and patterns, they said, were not only exceptionally beautiful, but the clothes made of their material possessed the wonderful quality of being invisible to any man who was unfit for his office or unpardonably stupid.

“That must be wonderful cloth,” thought the emperor. “If I were to be dressed in a suit made of this cloth I should be able to find out which men in my empire were unfit for their places, and I could distinguish the clever from the stupid. I must have this cloth woven for me without delay.” And he gave a large sum of money to the swindlers, who then set up two looms, and pretended to be very hard at work.

“I shall send my honest old minister to the weavers,” thought the emperor. “He can judge best how the stuff looks, for he is intelligent, and nobody understands his office better than he.”

The minister went into the room where the swindlers sat before the empty looms. He could not see anything at all, but he did not say so. He thought, “Can I be so stupid? I should never have thought so, and nobody must know it! Is it possible that I am not fit for my office? No, no, I cannot say that I was unable to see the cloth.”

Soon afterwards the emperor sent another honest courtier to the weavers to see how they were getting on. That man too could not see any cloth and thought, “I am not stupid … It is therefore my good appointment for which I am not fit… I must not let any one know it” and he praised the cloth, which he did not see.

Then when the emperor went to see the cloth for himself, he thought, “I do not see anything at all. That is terrible! Am I stupid? Am I unfit to be emperor? That would indeed be the most dreadful thing that could happen to me.”

He told the weavers, “Your cloth has our most gracious approval” for he did not like to say that he saw nothing. All his attendants, who were with him, looked and looked, and although they could not see anything more than the others, they said, like the emperor, “It is very beautiful.” And all advised him to wear the new magnificent clothes at a great procession, which was soon to take place.

The emperor and all his barons then came to the hall; the swindlers held their arms up as if they held something in their hands and said, “These are the trousers!” “This is the coat!” “Here is the cloak!” and so on… “Does it please your Majesty now to graciously undress,” said the swindlers, “That we may assist your Majesty in putting on the new suit before the large looking-glass?”

The emperor undressed, and the swindlers pretended to put the new suit upon him, one piece after another; and the emperor looked at himself in the glass from every side… “I am ready,” said the emperor. “Does not my suit fit me marvelously?” Then he turned once more to the looking-glass, that people should think he admired his garments.

The emperor marched in the procession under the beautiful canopy, and all who saw him in the street and out of the windows exclaimed, “Indeed, the emperor’s new suit is incomparable! What a long train he has! How well it fits him!” Nobody wished to let others know they saw nothing, for then they would have been unfit for their office or too stupid.

“But he has nothing on at all,” said a little child at last. “Good heavens! Listen to the voice of an innocent child,” said the father, and one whispered to the other what the child had said. “But he has nothing on at all,” cried at last the whole people. That made a deep impression upon the emperor, for it seemed to him that they were right; but he thought to himself, “Now I must bear up to the end.” And the chamberlains walked with still greater dignity, as if they carried the train, which did not exist. The End. (To read this full fable, Zvi Har’El has recorded it here.)

{ 0 comments }

Helping women who are refusing to be abused: Stage 4

by Clare Murphy on May 3 2009

Stage 4 of making change is the time when new actions take place. Dienemann and colleagues (2007) suggest this stage in women’s relationships in which men abuse and control them, entails breaking away from their relationship – or – it entails the man curtailing his abuse and control.

This is a time when women assess how safe it is to stay or how safe it is to go. Either choice may be frightening, but during this stage women are more willing to commit to putting themselves first to enhance safety. If a woman is in a psychologically controlling relationship where there is not physical violence – this still entails a great deal of fear. Ongoing systematic long-term abuse and control means women may lose themselves, lose confidence and come to doubt themselves. The man’s non-physical tactics of control can also involve making threats – threatening to harm or kill pets, family or friends. So never doubt that safety and fear are issues for many women at this juncture.

Facing religious beliefs and social prejudices

Women with religious beliefs that prioritise loyalty to the male partner may battle with guilt and feelings of sin. It requires courage for women to re-prioritise such values and shift her wellbeing to a higher position on her list of values. However, feelings of anger, and the need to regain power and control over her own life, are drivers that help women take self-determined action to care for themselves at this point.

Social prejudices also create problems for women who leave their partner (whether he is abusive or not). My research shows that many women lose friends when they leave their partner. Some people now consider her a threat – as if she is back on the sexual ‘market’ and will take away someone’s husband. This suspicion, on the part of others, causes disruption in women’s lives, for instance, one woman who left her psychologically controlling husband told me that a man who used to help with car pooling children to school was prevented, by his wife, from continuing to do so.

With the enormous numbers of single parents in our contemporary society, you might assume that there will be no social prejudices for women becoming sole mothers. But research shows this is not the experience for many women. Institutions, such as social support agencies that provide benefits for single mothers, can show prejudice and so can many ignorant bystanders who consider single mothers to be low on the social hierarchy.

Change can cause chaos

If a woman leaves her partner, it still does not mean she is safe, nor does it mean she will remain separated. She might experience emotional turmoil. I liken such change to the chaos that road works create. Before road works begin there are problems with the flow or safety of traffic. The road works are a short-term messy dusty noisy costly business aimed at creating a new safer road that eases traffic problems long-term.

Despite the chaos many women might experience when they start making big changes, this stage is a lot easier for family and friends who want to help, because women are more determined to seek and accept help and they are more able to reject what is not helpful.

How you can help during this time of major change:

  • Affirm the woman’s right to stay in a relationship, and affirm her right to become single
  • Help women connect with their strengths and courage
  • Remember if she leaves, some men will continue to abuse and control her – Don’t blame her if she returns
  • Don’t shame her if she makes decisions you disagree with
  • Let her talk through issues she might have to face: loneliness, financial problems, social stigma of being a single mother, possible stalking, or intimidation, or physical harm by her ex-partner
  • Ask women what small things you can do or say to help her create a new life – whether that is making changes in the relationship, or developing a life outside of the relationship

References:

Burman, Sondra. (2003). Battered women: Stages of change and other treatment models that instigate and sustain leaving. Brief Treatment and Crisis Intervention, 3, 83-98.
Burnett, Lynn Barkley & Adler, Jonathan. (2008). Domestic violence. Retrieved 5 April, 2009, from http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/805546-overview
Dienemann, Jacqueline A., Glass, Nancy, Hanson, Ginger & Lunsford, Kathleen. (2007). The domestic violence survivor assessment (DVSA): A tool for individual counselling with women experiencing intimate partner violence. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 28, 913-925.
Kramer, Alice. (2007). Stages of change: Surviving intimate partner violence during and after pregnancy. Journal of Perinatal and Neonatal Nursing, 21, 285-295.

{ 0 comments }

Confused about helping women abused by male partners? Stage 3

by Clare Murphy on April 26 2009

When women start to develop a determination to prepare for seeking change it does not mean it becomes easy for friends and family to know how to support her. At this third stage in women’s process of making sense of one-sided power and control by a male partner, Dienemann and colleagues (2007) suggest women are considering change and looking at their options.

Confusion is really starting to set in for women at this stage

Being confused means women may stop blaming themselves, while at the same time still make excuses for their partner’s abuse, but start to realise he is choosing to do this to her as she has given him many opportunities to change and stop. Confusion may entail a desire to be loyal to her partner, whilst admitting that she feels abused and that what he is doing is unjust. She might continue to hope he will change, yet at the same time be riddled with thoughts of revenge or even murder. She may want to leave, but feel guilty about doing so.

The fact he continues to abuse and control her adds to her increasing commitment to seek change for herself. But many women do not want to lose what might be a fulfilling sexual relationship. Many women don’t want to lose all the material things they have created – their house, investments, car – and for some – holiday homes. Women do not want to leave their neighbourhoods where children attend school and have their friends. Women I’ve known also find it extremely difficult to contemplate losing their dreams of a happy-ever-after-marriage. Making choices that lead to these losses leads to a sense of failure and shame for many women. Women do not have to leave for a relationship to end – some countries have provision for court orders to be made so the abusive partner leaves the house.

The psychological toll starts to become unbearable. She may feel she has lost confidence, self-esteem and lost herself. She may feel incredibly anxious, traumatised, stressed and overwhelmed.

At this stage women may start to seek out other women victims for validation, understanding and support. There are group programmes and/or support groups in many large towns and cities for women who are victims of intimate partner abuse and control. Some of these programmes are free, some charge fees. Providing women with information about such programmes can be extremely useful at this time. There are also safe online forums for women to join and speak with and receive support and advice from other women and professionals. He Drove Me Mad is one such safe site, set up specifically for women who feel they are going crazy trying to figure out how they became reduced to feelings of madness.

Women at this stage need a great deal of understanding and validation as they struggle to find their lost selves. They will hesitate and falter at this stage, perhaps leave their partner, then return. It is not easy staying and trying to work out how to survive emotionally and physically, nor is it easy deciding to leave. Although they may talk about seeking some sort of change, that change may be to find the strength to know she is worthwhile – without rocking the boat in the relationship.

How you can support women at this confusing time:

  • Providing information and resources are key ways to help at this stage
  • Provide information about the dynamics of one-sided power and control and find names of counsellors known to understand the dynamics
  • Find out information about the costs and benefits of getting a protection order and how to get one
  • Make available names of lawyers, or contact details for community legal services
  • Give women contact details of local support groups – face-to-face or online
  • Help her set goals of her choice (remember she still wants the relationship to work at this stage)
  • Offer accommodation, or help her find free or affordable accommodation if she wants to trial a separation
  • Find out if your state or country provides legal assistance for women victims to stay in their home and male perpetrators to leave
  • Any help should always consider the woman’s (and her children’s) safety
  • Help her make a safety plan and provide support in using it
  • Affirm her worthiness

References:

Burman, Sondra. (2003). Battered women: Stages of change and other treatment models that instigate and sustain leaving. Brief Treatment and Crisis Intervention, 3, 83-98.
Burnett, Lynn Barkley & Adler, Jonathan. (2008). Domestic violence. Retrieved 5 April, 2009, from http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/805546-overview
Dienemann, Jacqueline A., Glass, Nancy, Hanson, Ginger & Lunsford, Kathleen. (2007). The domestic violence survivor assessment (DVSA): A tool for individual counselling with women experiencing intimate partner violence. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 28, 913-925.
Kramer, Alice. (2007). Stages of change: Surviving intimate partner violence during and after pregnancy. Journal of Perinatal and Neonatal Nursing, 21, 285-295.

{ 0 comments }

Feeling bemused about helping women abused by male partners – Stage 2

by Clare Murphy on April 21 2009

During the contemplation stage of women coming to terms with the abuse and control by their male partner, women begin to accept that there is a problem that is not resolving itself. Dienemann and colleagues (2007) call stage 2 a time when women continue to be committed to the relationship but begin to question it.

At this time women waiver between talking about and then not talking about the abuse. They start to consider advantages and disadvantages of making change and considering a different future.

Because women are still committed they may sacrifice themselves in order to maintain the relationship. Our society stresses the idea that it is a woman’s role to make relationships work. However at this stage she may begin to question whether she is to blame and ask her partner to get help. Therefore she will continue to seek answers to the logic underpinning his behaviours.

Coping with physical violence compared with psychological abuse and control

For women who are experiencing physical violence they may begin to fear for their lives and admit to not feeling safe. For women who never experience physical violence, but are being abused and controlled psychologically, there is no visible evidence of abuse. Outsiders might see bruises on women who are beaten, but psychological abuse is far more private – hence the abuser seems innocent. There is a move in our society to oppose violence against women – this helps women start to name the man’s violence as wrong and to push for him to get help. It is much more difficult to begin to label tactics of psychological abuse and control as wrong because our society avoids defining it and talking about it as a public issue.

In my work with women over the years I have observed the same distinctions as Valerie Chang has in her book I Just Lost Myself: Psychological Abuse of Women in Marriage.  Women who experience physical violence (and other forms of abuse and control) respond differently compared with women who are psychologically abused and controlled independent of physical violence. Women who are psychologically abused (but never physically hit) detach emotionally before separating and usually don’t attempt to reconcile after the relationship ends. These women are very hesitant to commit to another relationship because psychological abuse and control is a pattern over time, is confusing, insidious and very difficult to detect the warning signs. Whereas women who are physically hit may separate for the first time while they are still emotionally attached. Women who experience physical violence (compared with abused and controlled women who do not) are more likely to make many attempts to reconcile and they are optimistic about future relationships. Of course this is not always the case, however, as a friend or family member who is trying to help, it is important to understand some of the nuances.

Stage 2 is all about exploring pros and cons

Ultimately, stage 2 means women may start to explore options but are not ready to end the relationship. Women may feel trapped, may be desperate to make the relationship work for the sake of the children, will not want to humiliate her partner by calling the police, or by making the abuse too public. Many women believe their partner is insecure and needs their loving. At this stage women are not ready to give up trying and are very willing to give their partner another chance. Therefore some women may reverse or withdraw protection orders.

Women will likely seek information, some might leave at this stage, but don’t be surprised if they return. They are not stupid and they do not like or want to be abused. They want their relationship to work and they want to feel safe and carry out their commitment to be in relationship “for better or worse”. This requires incredible strength and resourcefulness. On the other hand women at this time may feel a lack of trust in themselves, their partner and people in general and believe that no one can help.

What can you do to help?

  • Help the woman talk through costs and benefits of the relationship – now and in the future
  • Discuss her fears of leaving, e.g. lack of resources – money, accommodation, social support, not wanting to be alone, shame, feelings of failure
  • Ask for her views of danger to her, her children, to others – whether she stays or leaves (Remember there is an increased chance of a woman being murdered after she leaves a man who has a history of being controlling)
  • Affirm that what she is experiencing is abusive and that she does not deserve it, nor is she to blame
  • Ask her for all the ways she (and her children) are being affected – psychologically, ability to function at work, ability to pursue dreams
  • Help her make a safety plan
  • Respect her decisions

References:

Burman, Sondra. (2003). Battered women: Stages of change and other treatment models that instigate and sustain leaving. Brief Treatment and Crisis Intervention, 3, 83-98.

Burnett, Lynn Barkley & Adler, Jonathan. (2008). Domestic violence. Retrieved 5 April, 2009, from http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/805546-overview

Chang, Valerie Nash. (1996). I Just Lost Myself: Psychological Abuse of Women in Marriage. Westport, CT: Praeger.

Dienemann, Jacqueline A., Glass, Nancy, Hanson, Ginger & Lunsford, Kathleen. (2007). The domestic violence survivor assessment (DVSA): A tool for individual counselling with women experiencing intimate partner violence. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 28, 913-925.

Kramer, Alice. (2007). Stages of change: Surviving intimate partner violence during and after pregnancy. Journal of Perinatal and Neonatal Nursing, 21, 285-295.

{ 2 comments }

Fear and shame: The lifeblood that keeps ‘power and control’ alive

by Clare Murphy on January 23 2009

If you have had abusive life experiences it is highly possible you were left with a legacy of fear and shame. Until you embark on a journey of healing this legacy by developing awareness, wisdom and empathy for yourself and others, these feelings may have led you down one of two tracks – to conformity or to rebellion.

Conformers

For those who conform, fear and shame subordinates, leads you to do as you are told, to do as the controller (or master) commands. Conformity leads to a gradual annihilation of yourself, your life-force, your aliveness. You become hypervigilant – always walking on egg shells for fear of doing something wrong – and then getting attacked because of it. The conformist is always aware of what others might be thinking and feeling. Always watching carefully in an attempt to keep safe.

Rebellers

For those who rebel, fear and shame lead you to reject controllers. They lead to seeking out other people who similarly rebel against controllers. They lead to affiliation with ‘bad boys’ and/or ‘bad girls’. They lead to deriding and bucking the authority that would squash you. Paradoxically, though, these behaviours lead the ‘rebellious’ to creating the SAME system. A new group which also entails hierarchies consisting of controllers and followers.

Here’s the nub. Groups of ‘bad boys’ and ‘bad girls’ have hierarchies consisting of controllers and followers.

 

There is a pattern here . . .

Aligning yourself with other rebels

You take the same controller ideas, techniques and values with you when you hang out with ‘bad boys’ and ‘bad girls’. Someone there tells the others what to do. Wherever you are on that spectrum, means you might become that controller. Or you might become the follower.

If you become the abusive controller within your new group of ‘bad boys’ or ‘bad girls’ – your fear and shame may make you violent. It will make you use and abuse others so that you feel powerful. You will do whatever it takes to win. You will do whatever it takes to avoid feeling fear, shame, weak or vulnerable. You will demand ‘respect’ from all your followers by making them scared of you. This is the bully pathway to becoming a domestic violence perpetrator.

If you become the loyal, acquiescent follower in your new group of ‘bad boys’ or ‘bad girls’ – yet again you lose yourself. You subordinate yourself to someone else’s rules. You treat the controller as the authority, as if they are right, as if they have the right to shape who you are and what you do. You suppress your own thoughts and feelings because the controller does not want your views. Sadly, the controller can only be who they are because you and other followers support them. But you think: “There is safety with my peers, this is better than other controllers” like teachers, mothers, fathers, sports coaches telling you what to do. You believe your new friends are superior to them and so deserve your respect. You and your friends all hate those other controllers. You gang up against them. But you never admit, or don’t easily recognise, that you are scared of the new controller that you have attached yourself to. You try to please them. The rot sets in. This is a pathway to becoming a victim of domestic violence. And – ironically – this is another pathway to becoming a domestic violence perpetrator. 

How to step out of the loop of power and control

Given that fear and shame are the lifeblood of one-sided power and control – for both controllers and followers – it is pretty difficult for either to muster the courage to step away from this pervasive social problem. Change requires courage.

  1. The first step towards change is awareness. You have to be honest about the ways you are losing yourself. What are the costs to you of controlling others or of aligning yourself with controllers? Do you truly feel the psychological and physical safety you had hoped for? Be honest – deep down can you actually trust the controller? Do you feel respected for your own opinions, your own values – do you even have any?
  2. The second step is naming a clear set of pro-social values for yourself to move towards. When you run away from situations without clearly defining what you are moving towards you repeat old patterns. Your new set of values needs to honour your aliveness and to honour the aliveness of others.

Linking freedom with responsibility

Some people believe they have the right to freedom. But the perpetration of one-sided power and control means TAKING freedom from others. Whereas true freedom is always accompanied by responsibility – not only for yourself – but for others.

  • True freedom entails responsibility for the rights of others as well as yourself – which entails compromise.
  • True freedom does not mean stomping on others. 
  • True freedom means risking possible rejection, being scoffed at or ostracised. But who specifically are you afraid will reject you?

Often perpetrators and victims of one-sided power and control are too scared to change because they are trying to gain acceptance from other people – especially people who make them feel psychologically unsafe. Who do you try to please? Do you feel 100% free to be yourself around them?

Social responsibility

It is rare for bystanders to step in and take a stance against one-sided power and control.

Why is this?

  • Family relationships are considered private
  • Bad school boys are left to their own devices so they can ‘toughen’ up and become so-called ‘real’ men
  • Some ‘bad’ girls receive honour, prestige and acceptance from so-called friends for being violent
  • Violent boys most certainly receive such kudos from particular complicit male and female friends
  • Some consider it okay that heterosexual people to make fun of homosexual people
  • Others believe men have the right to control women
  • Yet others believe it is a parent’s right to control children by demeaning them

Many people do not understand the subtleties of power and control and the harm it causes. Some people knowingly condone this form of abuse, whilst others just don’t see it. Following the principles of Deep Ecology I consider the richness and diversity of all humans should be allowed to flourish. But one-sided power and control not only diminishes the life-force of the victim, it paradoxically diminishes the life-force of the perpetrator.

I’ll leave you with questions that Mahatma Gandhi might ask:

  • Do your actions work against others’ freedom to flourish?
  • Do your actions enable others’ freedom to flourish?

{ 2 comments }