Comments on: Domestic violence is much more than physical violence http://www.speakoutloud.net/psychological-abuse/violence-psychological-abuse/ See the power and control, free your mind, open your heart, live fully Sun, 29 Aug 2010 02:14:31 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Clare http://www.speakoutloud.net/psychological-abuse/violence-psychological-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-93 Clare Tue, 13 Apr 2010 11:26:11 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-93 Hello Katy, Congratulations on having your experience of psychological abuse BELIEVED. Unfortunately that does not stop many men from continuing to maintain power and control. Many men continue to use children as ammunition to get at their ex-female partner because they believe they are entitled to the role of boss, king of the castle, head of the house, head of the family. Many men refuse to relinquish this social status - a status that is reinforced by many people at all levels of society. It is important to include in a restraining agreement EVERY KIND OF CONTROLLING TACTIC that he is using (and maybe has used) so that this gives a basis for laying a complaint to the police. May you go well . . . Clare Hello Katy, Congratulations on having your experience of psychological abuse BELIEVED. Unfortunately that does not stop many men from continuing to maintain power and control. Many men continue to use children as ammunition to get at their ex-female partner because they believe they are entitled to the role of boss, king of the castle, head of the house, head of the family. Many men refuse to relinquish this social status – a status that is reinforced by many people at all levels of society. It is important to include in a restraining agreement EVERY KIND OF CONTROLLING TACTIC that he is using (and maybe has used) so that this gives a basis for laying a complaint to the police. May you go well . . . Clare

]]> By: Clare http://www.speakoutloud.net/psychological-abuse/violence-psychological-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-91 Clare Tue, 13 Apr 2010 11:18:03 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-91 Check out the blog I wrote that discusses the difference between using language to describe the effects and impact of psychological abuse and control versus the language to describe women’s multiple strategies of resisting abuse and control. Check the blog post titled “Language women should use in the Family Court”. . . Clare Check out the blog I wrote that discusses the difference between using language to describe the effects and impact of psychological abuse and control versus the language to describe women’s multiple strategies of resisting abuse and control. Check the blog post titled “Language women should use in the Family Court”. . . Clare

]]> By: katy http://www.speakoutloud.net/psychological-abuse/violence-psychological-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-88 katy Mon, 12 Apr 2010 16:45:26 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-88 The courts granted me full residential custody of my son. He has a 10 yard restraining agreement preventing him from approaching me, and strict contact restrictions regarding our 8yr old son ... the courts BELIEVED ME. So why does he continue to psychologically abuse me, using our son as a commodity ... making our son feel bad inside and twisting and turning all I say, making me out to be a bad mummy? How can I make it STOP? The courts granted me full residential custody of my son. He has a 10 yard restraining agreement preventing him from approaching me, and strict contact restrictions regarding our 8yr old son … the courts BELIEVED ME. So why does he continue to psychologically abuse me, using our son as a commodity … making our son feel bad inside and twisting and turning all I say, making me out to be a bad mummy? How can I make it STOP?

]]> By: Clare http://www.speakoutloud.net/psychological-abuse/violence-psychological-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-84 Clare Tue, 23 Mar 2010 19:42:53 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-84 Hello This is me . . . I've just written a post on some reasons why family court judges rule in favour of male perpetrators. Your question is a far too common one that should not have to be asked. I have some ideas that may be helpful . . . One is to create an affidavit of EVERY subtle, seemingly trivial, as well as more obvious kinds psychological abuse/non-physical control tactics you have endured over the years. It is important to show the pattern over time. Find your local domestic violence legislation to see what it says about psychological abuse. I think sometimes it's necessary to show ways some tactics have been threatening. See my blog post outlining tactics and click on the logo to download a pdf full version to help spark memories. (You can find that by searching for "Men's tactics of power and control" in the search box). Another idea is to write what you did in response to each tactic - the aim of that is to describe the many ways you resisted. I have yet to write a blog post with suggestions about exactly what I mean by that . . . in a nut shell the aim is to represent yourself in a light of strength, and resourceful intelligent ways of responding to the abuse, as opposed to only discussing the impact of the abuse which can lead to women being labelled as pathetic, mad, manipulative, unable to cope. Also for more help go to the menu above - choose "Questions" - scroll down and find the links under the heading "Find help with custody or other legal issues" . . . I wish you well, Clare Hello This is me . . . I’ve just written a post on some reasons why family court judges rule in favour of male perpetrators. Your question is a far too common one that should not have to be asked. I have some ideas that may be helpful . . . One is to create an affidavit of EVERY subtle, seemingly trivial, as well as more obvious kinds psychological abuse/non-physical control tactics you have endured over the years. It is important to show the pattern over time. Find your local domestic violence legislation to see what it says about psychological abuse. I think sometimes it’s necessary to show ways some tactics have been threatening. See my blog post outlining tactics and click on the logo to download a pdf full version to help spark memories. (You can find that by searching for “Men’s tactics of power and control” in the search box). Another idea is to write what you did in response to each tactic – the aim of that is to describe the many ways you resisted. I have yet to write a blog post with suggestions about exactly what I mean by that . . . in a nut shell the aim is to represent yourself in a light of strength, and resourceful intelligent ways of responding to the abuse, as opposed to only discussing the impact of the abuse which can lead to women being labelled as pathetic, mad, manipulative, unable to cope. Also for more help go to the menu above – choose “Questions” – scroll down and find the links under the heading “Find help with custody or other legal issues” . . . I wish you well, Clare

]]> By: This is me. http://www.speakoutloud.net/psychological-abuse/violence-psychological-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-83 This is me. Mon, 22 Mar 2010 12:49:35 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-83 Dear Clare, Your post has provided me with some sense of validation, but not in a good way. If anything, it proves that my situation is hopeless. I have never admitted this out loud or even allowed myself to fully believe it until today. Here it goes… I’m an educated professional and college professor that has apparently been suffering psychological abuse from my ex-husband since I met him 20+ years ago. He is a manipulating charmer that has fooled everyone, including the judges in our U.S. court system. Truthfully—he is an obsessive, compulsive, addictive, manipulative, jealous, irresponsible, gambling, smoking, pill popping, cocaine user but most of all a big fat liar. I don’t have bruises or scars but have paid for his sickness with the quality of my life. He has interrupted every major event or family vacation and controlled my life through our son since the divorce. My biggest problem is that he seems harmless, plays the victim, and puts on the best “father of year” academy award winning performance. Our son will be turning 16 next month and this could be our biggest and final battle. I know that his father's 14-year obsession with getting "his" son back has been a sick excuse to continue to torture and punish me for ending our relationship. The abuse will not stop, even if I give him everything he wants after the endless court battles (over 30 appearances and bankruptcy due to attorneys fees). In my state, I will be responsible for my son until he is the age 21. This final change of custody will financially destroy my family, It will cause great stress on my marriage and my other two children will be heartbroken, especially my 9 year old autistic son who absolutely adores his older brother. If he gets his way, my son would live in the worst possible situation -- one with no rules and zero supervision. His girlfriend’s two daughters that grew up in his current home of 10 years are the perfect example of what will happen to my son – drug problems, bi-polar disorder, jail, beaten by boyfriends, one even has a four year old daughter that lives with my ex. I just hate to see my son throw away his future for the party life that is highly likely to land him in jail or dead. I am not perfect, I made a very big mistake by getting involved with a psycho. I have led a clean and respectable life for the last 13 years, I was even chosen "outstanding college professor" in our community. I’m so tired of sacrificing my life and that of my family. I know I am a very strong person—I have survived this long but … I’m not sure I can handle anymore. Do you have any advice on how to refer to this type of psychological abuse in family court? Best regards, This is me Dear Clare,
Your post has provided me with some sense of validation, but not in a good way. If anything, it proves that my situation is hopeless. I have never admitted this out loud or even allowed myself to fully believe it until today. Here it goes… I’m an educated professional and college professor that has apparently been suffering psychological abuse from my ex-husband since I met him 20+ years ago. He is a manipulating charmer that has fooled everyone, including the judges in our U.S. court system.

Truthfully—he is an obsessive, compulsive, addictive, manipulative, jealous, irresponsible, gambling, smoking, pill popping, cocaine user but most of all a big fat liar. I don’t have bruises or scars but have paid for his sickness with the quality of my life. He has interrupted every major event or family vacation and controlled my life through our son since the divorce. My biggest problem is that he seems harmless, plays the victim, and puts on the best “father of year” academy award winning performance.

Our son will be turning 16 next month and this could be our biggest and final battle. I know that his father’s 14-year obsession with getting “his” son back has been a sick excuse to continue to torture and punish me for ending our relationship. The abuse will not stop, even if I give him everything he wants after the endless court battles (over 30 appearances and bankruptcy due to attorneys fees). In my state, I will be responsible for my son until he is the age 21. This final change of custody will financially destroy my family, It will cause great stress on my marriage and my other two children will be heartbroken, especially my 9 year old autistic son who absolutely adores his older brother.

If he gets his way, my son would live in the worst possible situation — one with no rules and zero supervision. His girlfriend’s two daughters that grew up in his current home of 10 years are the perfect example of what will happen to my son – drug problems, bi-polar disorder, jail, beaten by boyfriends, one even has a four year old daughter that lives with my ex. I just hate to see my son throw away his future for the party life that is highly likely to land him in jail or dead.

I am not perfect, I made a very big mistake by getting involved with a psycho. I have led a clean and respectable life for the last 13 years, I was even chosen “outstanding college professor” in our community. I’m so tired of sacrificing my life and that of my family. I know I am a very strong person—I have survived this long but … I’m not sure I can handle anymore.

Do you have any advice on how to refer to this type of psychological abuse in family court?

Best regards, This is me

]]> By: Clare http://www.speakoutloud.net/psychological-abuse/violence-psychological-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-82 Clare Wed, 24 Feb 2010 06:26:42 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-82 Hi Rochelle . . . Counselling is a great option for regaining control of your life, regaining your lost self and helping deal with controlling people – but only if the counsellor “gets” your experience. However, not all counsellors are trained in, or understand, the dynamics of one-sided power and control. Many counsellors might give advice as if you are dealing with a partner who is willing to take responsibility and change their behaviours. There’s a big difference between strategies for dealing with an ex-partner who is <em>trustworthy</em>, <em>honest</em>, <em>respectful</em>, honours your <em>privacy</em>, whom you feel <em>psychologically and physically safe</em> around, and whom you feel <em>completely free to be yourself</em> when you’re around them . . . compared with techniques to deal with someone who does <strong><em>not</em></strong> honour any of these needs. I wish you well in your venture to find the support that is right for you . . . Clare Hi Rochelle . . . Counselling is a great option for regaining control of your life, regaining your lost self and helping deal with controlling people – but only if the counsellor “gets” your experience.
However, not all counsellors are trained in, or understand, the dynamics of one-sided power and control. Many counsellors might give advice as if you are dealing with a partner who is willing to take responsibility and change their behaviours.
There’s a big difference between strategies for dealing with an ex-partner who is trustworthy, honest, respectful, honours your privacy, whom you feel psychologically and physically safe around, and whom you feel completely free to be yourself when you’re around them . . . compared with techniques to deal with someone who does not honour any of these needs.
I wish you well in your venture to find the support that is right for you . . . Clare

]]> By: Rochelle http://www.speakoutloud.net/psychological-abuse/violence-psychological-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-80 Rochelle Sun, 21 Feb 2010 01:39:43 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-80 Will counselling help me regain control of my life, and also will it help me fight back on not letting my ex get to my head about our daughter? Will counselling help me regain control of my life, and also will it help me fight back on not letting my ex get to my head about our daughter?

]]> By: Clare http://www.speakoutloud.net/psychological-abuse/violence-psychological-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-79 Clare Thu, 18 Feb 2010 00:13:43 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-79 Hi Stephanie, This is an all too common problem. Fantastic that you are supporting your friend. I suggest you: Contact your local domestic violence organisation. They may be able to refer you to appropriate legal support and offer advocacy. Click on the <a href="http://www.speakoutloud.net/links/" rel="nofollow">Links</a> page where I’ve listed links to your country – covering 80 languages. For custody issues <a href="http://www.lundybancroft.com/child09.html" rel="nofollow">Lundy Bancroft</a> has good information on his website . . . Clare Hi Stephanie, This is an all too common problem. Fantastic that you are supporting your friend. I suggest you: Contact your local domestic violence organisation. They may be able to refer you to appropriate legal support and offer advocacy. Click on the Links page where I’ve listed links to your country – covering 80 languages.
For custody issues Lundy Bancroft has good information on his website . . . Clare

]]> By: Stephanie http://www.speakoutloud.net/psychological-abuse/violence-psychological-abuse/comment-page-1/#comment-75 Stephanie Sat, 13 Feb 2010 01:45:33 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=417#comment-75 Please help my friend! She has been emotionally abused for years. Her husband got someone else pregnant, and they finally separated, but now he is threatening to take her kids and she will never see them again. She is terrified and a pfa doesn't protect her. What can she do? Please help my friend! She has been emotionally abused for years. Her husband got someone else pregnant, and they finally separated, but now he is threatening to take her kids and she will never see them again. She is terrified and a pfa doesn’t protect her. What can she do?

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