For example where it states:

“Adopting distorted beliefs (e.g., believing that it is OK for a husband to beat his wife to keep her obedient).”

Firstly, male perpetrators of power and control usually spend a great deal of energy actively blaming the victim – so much so that the victim is brainwashed. Secondly, subtle social cues blame the victim such as the cliché “why doesn’t she just leave”.

I take issue with the notion of “inappropriate idealization of the perpetrator” because, when it comes to women who experience abuse by their intimate partner, many women were attracted to men with qualities such as charming, kind, caring, sexy, passionate, tough, strong, cunning. Perpetrators of domestic violence may not be abusive all the time – many women talk about how great the sex was, how kind the man was at certain times about certain things. Additionally, certain sectors of the media, education system, other institutions, certain types of men and women idealise aggressive, violent men – especially men who control, objectify and use women.

Another statement I query is:

“Self-blame: Exaggerated feelings of responsibility … guilt and remorse, despite obvious evidence of innocence.”

Innocence is NOT always obvious to women. Additionally many women report being abusive themselves – this so-called mutual abuse is a complex issue – as is one-sided power and control.

I’ll just challenge one other statement:

“Socioeconomic status downward drift: Reduction of opportunity or life-style, and increased risk of repeat criminal victimization due to psychological, social, and vocational impairment.”

Many male perpetrators cause women’s socioeconomic status downward drift by controlling the finances. Government policies add to this downward drift – for example women have to pay rent at many women’s refuges/shelters. Many male perpetrators prevent women from advancing their education or careers, hence if women leave they are disadvantaged financially. Many men refuse to pay child maintenance because they feel they’ve lost control over ex-partners, children and finances. . . . . Clare.

In this website I endeavour to acknowledge the complexity of social issues – especially psychological abuse and control. It seems to take a lot more words to discuss complexity! There are no black and white formulas for how women respond. This means I have to take care with every word I write in case the words are seen in black and white terms – and in danger of shaming.

Therefore I’d like to clarify further what I meant when I wrote above – “Some women will become manipulative by getting sick as a way of avoiding sex” – this refers to research participants’ stories. One of the women I interviewed, for instance, said she was sick a great deal during the final six months of her relationship. When she was asked if she thought becoming sick was an effect of enduring psychological abuse and control, she replied, “I partly at the time related it to sex because I had got to the point where I didn’t want him to touch me and he was really insistent that he was going to. Being sick was a legitimate way of getting out of sex. If you’re demonstrably sick then that’s good.”

This research participant was sick partly because of the stress of the abuse and in part felt that being sick became a strategy to help her avoid sex with her abusive partner. It did not mean she made herself sick or that she was responsible for her illnesses.

My use of the word “manipulative” refers to one of the many labels some women give themselves when they feel they have violated their moral codes. I observe repeatedly that many women develop a “negative” view of themselves for the ways they start behaving in response to long-term abuse and control. Such as lying in order to have some freedom, or getting angry, aggressive or violent in order to resolve the abuse and control, or in this case, by using physical illness as a “strategy” to avoid sex with a long-time abuser. I have so often found that when women react to long-term abuse and control in ways that are out of character, they label themselves manipulative, controlling, bitches.

I am interested in the comment in your writing that victims may become’ill’ to avoid having sex?

Being told I’m a ‘somatiser’ has been tremendously shaming and disempowering for me. having had Chronic fatigue syndrome since the 1970′s outbreak of Tapanui Flu I’ve struggled with a lack of understanding about this problem, and I must admit, reading this comment took me aback.

Funny thing is, I’m having therapy again…and when my therapist is sick, she is just ‘sick’ but when I am, it is ‘somatsising. So I’m thinking this is a dangerous area we are entering, and actually, it appears to lead right back to…power and control’ ie the power to label people ‘manipulative’ for being ill!

I’ve had many health problems, including invasive breast cancer. I do find it offensive when people say I am ‘responsible’ for my cancer. Please, can we as educated aware people not go down the track of blaming people for illness. Plants get ill, as do animals,insects and people. It appears to me the to be human is to accept that there are mysteries in life we do not understand, and to be humble about this.

Proposed Diagnostic Criteria for Victimization Sequelae Syndrome/Disorder
A. The experience (or witnessing) of one or more episodes of physical violence or psychological abuse or of being coerced into sexual activity by another person.
B. The development of at least (number to be determined) of the following symptoms (not present before the victimization experiences):
1. A generalized sense of being ineffective in dealing with one’s environment that is not limited to the victimization experience (e.g., generalized passivity, lack of assertiveness, or lack of confidence in one’s own judgment).
2. The belief that one has been permanently damaged by the victimization experience (e.g., a sexually abused child or rape victim believing that he or she will never be attractive to others).
3. Feeling isolated or unable to trust or to be intimate with others.
4. Over inhibition of anger or excessive expression of anger.
5. Inappropriate minimizing of the injuries that were inflicted.
6. Amnesia for the victimization experiences.
7. Belief that one deserved to be victimized, rather than blaming the perpetrator.
8. Vulnerability to being revictimized.
9. Adopting the distorted beliefs of the perpetrator with regard to interpersonal behavior (e.g., believing that it is OK for parents to have sex with their children, or that it is OK for a husband to beat his wife to keep her obedient).
10. Inappropriate idealization of the perpetrator.
C. Duration of the disturbance of at least one month.
Appendix 2 Victimization Symptoms: A Distinct Subcategory of Traumatic Stress
1. Shame: Deep embarrassment, often characterized as humiliation or mortification.
2. Self-blame: Exaggerated feelings of responsibility for the traumatic event, with guilt and remorse, despite obvious evidence of innocence.
3. Subjugation: Feeling belittled, dehumanized, lowered in dominance, and powerless as a direct result of the trauma.
4. Morbid hatred: Obsessions of vengeance and preoccupation with hurting or humiliating the perpetrator, with or without outbursts of anger or rage.
5. Paradoxical gratitude: Positive feelings toward the victimizer ranging from compassion to romantic love, including attachment but not necessarily identification. The feelings are usually experienced as ironic but profound gratitude for the gift of life from one who has demonstrated the will to kill. (Also known as pathological transference and/or Stockholm syndrome).
6. Defilement: Feeling dirty, disgusted, disgusting, tainted, “like spoiled goods,” and in extreme cases, rotten and evil.
7. Sexual inhibition: Loss of libido, reduced capacity for intimacy, more frequently associated with sexual assault.
8. Resignation: A state of broken will or despair, often associated with repetitive victimization or prolonged exploitation, with markedly diminished interest in past or future.
9. Second injury or second wound: Revictimization through participation in the criminal justice, health, mental health, and other systems.
10. Socioeconomic status downward drift: Reduction of opportunity or life-style, and increased risk of repeat criminal victimization due to psychological, social, and vocational impairment.

Why am I asking? Because it was this concept that has helped me enormously to be able to — intellectually — understand/accept/validate my extreme symptoms that otherwise made no sense to me. Do you find it helpful? I was writing about it here. Sam