Why are so many women who are psychologically abused and controlled by male partners losing court battles for custody of their children?
There are two cruxes of men’s intimate partner abuse – gender and power.
The way that power operates in our society underpins domestic violence and family court judges’s decisions.
Whether men deliberately aim to gain and maintain power and control or not, this is the effect on women. If you look at the hierarchies of power and control in nearly every social setting, from kindergartens, workplaces, universities and governments, you will see that the misuse of power and control in an intimate relationship is not a symptom of that one relationship – but reflects a wider social problem.
When John Howard was Australia’s Prime Minister, his political party pulled the plug on the airing of challenges against psychological abuse and power and control in a national public multi-media campaign. After a three-year market research project, costing the Australian government at least $3.53 million, the government withdrew the launch of the campaign at the last minute. The campaign slogan was going to be “No Respect, No Relationship”, but a new campaign was quickly developed to replace this with the slogan “Violence Against Women, Australia Says No”. The function of the original campaign was to help people understand that psychologically controlling forms of abuse, as well as physical and sexual abuse, are inappropriate ways for men to relate to women. The new campaign only depicted images of physical violence and rape. The new slogan had no bearing on what men do, rather only stated the government’s position. The Prime Minister stated in the foreword to the booklet that went to all Australian homes, that the government’s role was not “to tell people how to live their lives; our personal relationships are private”.
The way that gender operates in our society underpins domestic violence and family court judges’s decisions.
When you examine gender hierarchies, men are generally considered superior to women. There are hierarchies amongst men that consider some men to be more superior than other men – for example white middle class heterosexual men are considered to have greater social kudos and are often given more respect than black working class homosexual men. People at the top of hierarchies are often talked about in positive terms and people at the bottom are often blamed for being lazy, bludging, sick, irresponsible, bad people. These are gross stereotypical generalisations – but nonetheless hold sway in the public mind – and the minds of court judges.
Domestic violence is usually discussed in terms of who is responsible and who is to blame. Even if the man did use physical or sexual violence, public attitudes tend towards justifying, excusing, minimising or hiding men’s violence against women. Psychological abuse and non-physical tactics of control are already hidden and often so subtle, even the woman victim is not able to articulate what’s going on.
Public attitudes often consider men’s control over female partners as men’s legitimate right to uphold their male position as head of the house – thereby what they say goes. Women are perceived as provoking abuse and are held responsible for preventing or stopping it. These attitudes, along with the myth that it take two-to-tango and that men’s abuse is a symptom of the relationship, play a role in family court judges’s decisions.
Many judges collude with male perpetrators – especially middle to upper class men – they may engage in banter about sport for instance and the judge may rule in favour of the man. I read an example of this and in the end the judge dismissed the woman’s need for protection. The man later murdered his ex-partner. This killing might have been prevented if it was not for the judge being influenced by the dominant idea that domestic violence only occurs amongst working class groups or amongst non-white races.
Public attitudes and the structures of gender and power in our society play a major role in why family court judges make particular rulings. This means many women lose custody of their children despite their male partner having engaged in years of ongoing systematic damaging tactics of power and control.
I will write a blog soon about possible ways women can represent themselves in court documents and verbally in court – ways that do not play into stereotypes of passive, pathetic, mad, female victims.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I would love follow up on how women who have incurred abuse can represent themselves in a manner that shows a judge the victim is stable. Of course we have been passive, angry and on egg shells … where we have come from and where are we now. Encouragement to prove mental stability, strength to protect, let the court be aware that you are fighting for your child for the right reasons. As a grown woman, a lot of other women may not want to hear this … let’s be honest, we as women are very emotional.
I too would like to hear the follow up. Through my step daughter, my wife is still being abused by her former partner. We have had great difficulty in persuading anybody that the abuse is still continuing.
Check out the blog I wrote that discusses the difference between using language to describe the effects and impact of psychological abuse and control versus the language to describe women’s multiple strategies of resisting abuse and control. Check the blog post titled “Language women should use in the Family Court”. . . Clare
I’m a noncustodial mother who lost her kids to FELONY child-stealing in California, and it was handled in Family Court as another day in the life of professionals making a living off our tragedies. I have given you someone else’s email from a website that I believe nails the “what’s going on in the courts” situation — http://nafcj.net/. The WEBSITE, though, is my blog. (i.e., I wish to remain anonymous). I heard about this article through a noncustodial mothers group I’m in.
While what you say is relevant, and true, the heart of the matter is that, at least in our area, we are losing custody because of corrupt judges, and because the cases go where the money and job referrals are. The family courts, designed to cover up domestic violence and child abuse, are of course not going to naturally take this into account. They are where batterers go to hide. Violation of due process (see US Bill of Rights) is needed for this to happen. ….It’s a system-wide scam, and at the heart of it is money. .. If you go for the “gender” tactic, all that I believe will happen is that the public (which, let’s presume is split about half men, half women) is going to take one side or the other. So much the better for the litigation industry! . . . . . .
But if you start looking at where nonprofits (again, I’m talking US) are actually doing with some of the funds that are supposed to fix this — and I do this in my blog — you will find that, male or female, the split is between the professionals (including government agencies and nonprofits) and experts, including in fields that have sprung up from this very split, and the “subject matter” of the litigation, parents and children, and specifically mothers and THEIR children. Unless we accept HOW immoral and megalomaniac many of our “rulers” (those who run institutions) are, we are going to continue getting fleeced.
Got to run. Have a nice day.
I just read your “about” page: http://www.speakoutloud.net/about-clare/. I’m going to link to it next chance I get, on my blogroll.
I’ve had to deal with a sister thing (from the underside) — they are currently attempting to drive my custody battle, and immediately after I filed for restraining order, sprang out of the woodwork to side with my batterer. More and more overtly as I began to assert myself. It’s been AWFUL….
We all take our own approaches, and a recent one of mine is the decision to boycott churches. PERIOD! Each time I wander back in (I am a Christian), I’m shocked again about the vicious control that lurks beneath the surface, and behind that is yes, sexism, and the love of money. They need the men’s money and the women’s (free) services, and of course when it comes to access to vulnerable boys & girls, I’ll stop right there.
I was used as a surrogate Mom by both the ex, AND a sister who elected abortion. Her husband, it turns out (I’ve finally concluded) is simply a psychopath, and what it’s about (I’ve come to realize) is our family’s wealth. It was never about my kids — he doesn’t care enough about other people as people, although they were his ticket to that wealth. It’s sickening.
DEDICATED TO ALL LOVING MOTHERS OF LOST CHILDREN
(and to loving fathers and grandparents, too) who have permanently lost their children through America’s corrupt Family Court system.
A Mother Does Not Forget Her Children: First March on Washington for Mothers of Lost Children
A nation is not conquered until the hearts of its women are on the ground. Then it is done, no matter how brave its warriors, nor how strong their weapons. – Cheyenne Proverb
Read entire article: http://www.salem-news.com/articles/may082010/lost-moms-ct.php
SILENT VIGIL AT WHITE HOUSE (WASHINGTON D.C.) – Nurturing and loving mothers losing permanent custody of their children is such depressing subject matter. But we cannot indefinitely avoid depressing subject matter, particularly if it is true
Most individuals prefer not to hear the story of how a cultured people turned a blind eye to consenting to the “legal kidnapping of children through America’s family courts” and how the majority of our society, consisting of cultured people, remained silent.
Read entire article: http://www.salem-news.com/articles/may102010/lost-children-ct.php
I agree with you Natalie. We have been abused, beaten, battered and broken. How can we look happy and stable and normal after such treatment? Yet we have our kids taken away because they think we cant cope. Of course we can’t cope with what we have been through. I had my daughter taken from me by my ex and the courts. He abused me and the kids. I was a mess. Now after all this they are saying I have borderline personality disorder which I have never been diagnosed with. I think it’s more like post traumatic stress abusive husband syndrome.
My 7 year old son and I recently have fallen victim of a corrupt family court system. His father left when I was pregnant, I was left alone to raise my son, I did it with so much pride and love. He so quickly became my everything to me before he was even born!
We moved on with our lives just the 2 of us, I met a man who was to become the father of his little baby brother.
In the 5 years of this relationship it ended with much violence coming from him being obsessive controlling and manipulative, just plain scary! A multiple personality disorder although never diagnosed! When he left he went and told nasty lies about me, to turn all the blame on me. When my oldest son’s father was told those lies he went to get custody of my son! Although I had left this man 6 months prior to court date the moment he became violent he was gone, outta our lives!
I suppose that it’s ok to leave bruises on a child from a belt because you didn’t regain control and give yourself time to calm down! He himself admitted to this and I had pictures to back it up! However he still won in court and the custody flip flopped – I get every other weekend now!!! Simply because I did the right thing and left my ex! It’s being appealed or in the process, my son refuses to leave his home, his brother, all his family, and most of all his Momma! All his 7 years! have been with me! I lived and breathed my 2 little boys! Had 2 men who have convinced the court hes’ a better parent cause guess why?!?!? HE makes a $150,000! annually! I guess you can buy love?!?! Since when?!?!
I am a working mother but made sacrifices to spend more time with my boys while they were still young and before school, now my youngest is in school. I plan to fight this battle with every ounce of my heart. Being strong and never losing complete faith! I will regain control and have my son back home where he belongs!
Hi everyone, it’s nice to see I am not the only one. I have 3 kids the youngest is 4 and I have not seen her for a year and a half. She was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsey @ 2years of age and I was with her in the nicu unit when she was born prematurely everyday, 18 hours a day for 6 weeks, and with her for 3 years straight everyday getting her the best therapy possible. Her father was a drug user, which I did not find out until later, he had a criminal record for that and assault and battery. During the 4 years I was with him, he was arrested for assault and battery & kidnapping mulitple times against me & our daughter, but never stayed in jail long, he was always out. After the last incident in which I saw him in March of 2009 he attempted to throw me out of the car in front of our daughter who was witnessing from the back seat, he got arrested,Ii got hurt. Me and her got thrown out of his mom’s house and I ended up homeless eventually living out of my car. After this incident my daughter and I went to court every 2 weeks to extend the restraining order. On the 3rd attempt to my surprise, he was there with a lawyer and family and friends whom most I have not met or know well. He was still facing the previous charges, so I figured something was up and he was trying to make me look unfit to get his way out. They tried to commit me under false allegations, and it did now work, I stood in the court room 6 hours in handcuffs humiliated, defending myself acting as my own lawyer. However the judge gave my estranged aunt whom was close to my abuser temporary guardianship. I have not seen my little girl for over a year. He was awarded sole custody in June, 2010, even though he is living at home with his mom and I have paperwork that she gave me stating that no children could live in her 55 plus community, his pending trial, his drug use, etc. My daughter is living with him and his mom, his mom was arrested for shoplifting and she is a nurse that got her licence suspended because of stealing narcotics from elderly patients. I made copies of all this just in case anything happened, but it did not help. I just became a statistic. And my heart stopped beating. Since then it has taken me almost 6 months to get a visitation with my daughter which was supposed to commence on Monday the 30th, but I just recieved a letter that my abuser put a motion into the court to delay the visitation because he was having behavioral issues with her, I wonder why. My daughter has been abused by him, DSS has done nothing but take his side. I have been hit, kicked, cut, thrown, choked, controlled, isolated, manipulated, and lied to for 4 years, but he continues to control me through this and place fear in my life. I was just only recently able to sleep with my door unbarracaded by furniture, but the bureau is back. Since this I am a Salem State University Dean’s list student and studying forensic science and have a criminal justice degree, and have been volunteering with my church and the homeless, it gives me focus that all of this did not happen for no reason, that I got stronger, but emptier. I thought I was in this boat alone, but I am not, I wish I could take the pain away from everyone in my position, because I know all too well how it feels. I will pray for all the victims, the hopeless, the fallen, and the fighters.