Comments on: Men’s tactics of power and control against female partners http://www.speakoutloud.net/power-and-control/mens-tactics/ See the power and control, free your mind, open your heart, live fully Sun, 29 Aug 2010 02:14:31 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: MM http://www.speakoutloud.net/power-and-control/mens-tactics/comment-page-1/#comment-61 MM Tue, 15 Sep 2009 08:14:41 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=435#comment-61 This list is something I have longed to see. Abusers have a list of tactics that seem to come out of a manual for abuse - which is kept hidden from victims! Here's one more: my ex husband used to make agreements with me in private which he would completely contradict in public. And, being a polite sort, I would not tackle him on it in public but waited until I could do so in private. Alas, it meant that he won. The one time I reacted immediately and said, "Hey, that's not what we discussed", he turned on me viciously and said I was going to do what he said. End of discussion. He did that to me in front of his ex-wife and daughter! I was humiliated and angry. Later, in private, he resorted to wheedling to get his way, and promised to make it up to me. From his point of view, the tactic worked - and he did it again and again, over my protests. Finally, I said that if he tried it again, I would humiliate him in public. I wrote down my experience of this pattern, and he acted shocked and replied, "That's not very flattering". I noticed he didn't say it was untrue... Well, I am a proud woman and his treatment did not go down well. His goal was to charm and be beloved by others, and I was nothing more than his accessory. My needs and feelings simply were not a consideration in his life. His charm was amazing. When I left him, he tried to steal my friends and family. It almost worked on one of them, and I suspect he might have told my cousin something I said to him in private that might hurt her. They are friends these days... The last straw I think was his more frequent drinking, falling down in the snowbank drunk, at events we both attended. He defended himself by saying, "I was just having fun", setting me up as the woman who only wanted to spoil his fun. I left, finally, after a winter of that treatment. I left him without notice. That, somehow, is supposed to be a bad thing. According to some "rules", leaving is something you're supposed to discuss, or be declared a coward. This, I think, is important to address. If I told him I was leaving, I would have to leave on his terms, not mine. For many women who are leaving, this is the most dangerous time, including the possibility of murder. This is not to be underestimated by anyone who might say, "Oh, I know ____, and he would never do that." The TV image of a woman grabbing a suitcase and hauling it out the door past the guy they're leaving, who actually gets out of the way and lets her go just because she tells him to - is a fairytale. So, I left him "for nothing" and was roundly condemned for it. Of course, I knew that would happen due to his charm. That was four years ago. I smile now to think about that, but it still bothers me that he may have influenced my cousin. The fact that he tried to take my friends (the higher status ones) bothered me. He wanted to charm them into his fold. I can do nothing about this. I can only accept it as the price paid to get my life back, and it is painful but still worth it. No, the guy never beat me. About our relationship, I can say this, "A guy doesn't have to beat a woman up to beat her down". This list is something I have longed to see. Abusers have a list of tactics that seem to come out of a manual for abuse – which is kept hidden from victims! Here’s one more: my ex husband used to make agreements with me in private which he would completely contradict in public. And, being a polite sort, I would not tackle him on it in public but waited until I could do so in private. Alas, it meant that he won. The one time I reacted immediately and said, “Hey, that’s not what we discussed”, he turned on me viciously and said I was going to do what he said. End of discussion. He did that to me in front of his ex-wife and daughter! I was humiliated and angry. Later, in private, he resorted to wheedling to get his way, and promised to make it up to me. From his point of view, the tactic worked – and he did it again and again, over my protests. Finally, I said that if he tried it again, I would humiliate him in public. I wrote down my experience of this pattern, and he acted shocked and replied, “That’s not very flattering”. I noticed he didn’t say it was untrue…

Well, I am a proud woman and his treatment did not go down well. His goal was to charm and be beloved by others, and I was nothing more than his accessory. My needs and feelings simply were not a consideration in his life. His charm was amazing. When I left him, he tried to steal my friends and family. It almost worked on one of them, and I suspect he might have told my cousin something I said to him in private that might hurt her. They are friends these days…

The last straw I think was his more frequent drinking, falling down in the snowbank drunk, at events we both attended. He defended himself by saying, “I was just having fun”, setting me up as the woman who only wanted to spoil his fun. I left, finally, after a winter of that treatment.

I left him without notice. That, somehow, is supposed to be a bad thing. According to some “rules”, leaving is something you’re supposed to discuss, or be declared a coward. This, I think, is important to address.

If I told him I was leaving, I would have to leave on his terms, not mine. For many women who are leaving, this is the most dangerous time, including the possibility of murder. This is not to be underestimated by anyone who might say, “Oh, I know ____, and he would never do that.” The TV image of a woman grabbing a suitcase and hauling it out the door past the guy they’re leaving, who actually gets out of the way and lets her go just because she tells him to – is a fairytale.

So, I left him “for nothing” and was roundly condemned for it. Of course, I knew that would happen due to his charm. That was four years ago. I smile now to think about that, but it still bothers me that he may have influenced my cousin. The fact that he tried to take my friends (the higher status ones) bothered me. He wanted to charm them into his fold. I can do nothing about this. I can only accept it as the price paid to get my life back, and it is painful but still worth it.

No, the guy never beat me. About our relationship, I can say this, “A guy doesn’t have to beat a woman up to beat her down”.

]]> By: B http://www.speakoutloud.net/power-and-control/mens-tactics/comment-page-1/#comment-49 B Mon, 03 Aug 2009 00:38:02 +0000 http://www.speakoutloud.net/?p=435#comment-49 I see these things and they do match some losers that I have been with. Ever since - I've been single for a long time and it is hard to trust anyone after that. It is very sad that when a good man can't even get a chance to treat a woman right all because somebody else ruined it for him a long time ago. I see these things and they do match some losers that I have been with. Ever since – I’ve been single for a long time and it is hard to trust anyone after that. It is very sad that when a good man can’t even get a chance to treat a woman right all because somebody else ruined it for him a long time ago.

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