I had two clients arrive today in tormented distress. One client was confused about her husband’s behaviours. She was also distraught because she is yearning to leave, but feels guilty at the thought of doing so. She wants to leave but is still confused about why he continues to be abusive and controlling despite the wide range of strategies she’s used over the years to try to resolve the problem. He controls the money. He spends over and above the budget. He disposes of her possessions including cars. He makes all the family decisions. He never takes responsibility for any of his actions. He lashes out with his fists. He threatens to leave but stays. He denigrates her. He is unkind. He ignores her for days on end. He lives in his own world. He has isolated her from her friends. She has no friends anymore.
My other client is being abused by her boss. It is common for a workplace bully to target the most conscientious and capable worker. I asked if this might be happening. She said yes, that he was abusing her and the other good workers, but that the lazy workers were allowed to do what they wanted, whilst the conscientious workers were overworking to take up the slack. Both my clients were confused. They were both trying to do better in an attempt to stop the abuser from abusing them.
Why are victims of one-sided power and control so confused?
My two clients today are generous, intelligent and caring. The woman whose husband is controlling her has tried over her very long marriage to help him manage money. But he refuses to learn how, he refuses to allow her to take charge of it, he refuses to take advice from financial experts. He has lost most of their savings because of his ignorance and selfishness. He is always determined to do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. I have met many women who have had the exact same experiences. Over the years these women have tried to get their partner to take responsibility for his aggression, his controlling, his abusiveness, his unkindness. Today my client was extremely distraught about her feeling of failure. She has never found a way to actually engage him in a conversation that would enable a resolution. This is a common experience for victims of one-sided power and control.
The victim tries many strategies to be heard
The bully at work and the bullying husband both refuse to take any responsibility for their behaviours. In the case of the woman whose husband is controlling her, she has tried yelling at him. She has tried getting him to see logic. She has often confronted her husband with requests that he not abuse her, not control her. But he always claims everything he does is right and justified. If she stays silent and lets him control her she becomes depressed, she loses herself. If she asserts herself, he gets angry and enraged and creates fear in her. No matter what strategy she use, he refuses to take responsibility for his behaviours, and refuses to consider her wellbeing. This is not just the experience of one woman. She is echoing the confusion of thousands of women who have a husband or male partner who is determined to get his way at all costs. She is experiencing physical health problems as a result of the abuse. This too is a common effect of being incessantly controlled. His behaviours were particularly bad last week, so one of her health problems became worse. My client, who is being victimised by her boss, is afraid of going back to work. She had to take a week off because she feels fear.
Many victims ask for their needs to be met
Lots of female victims of one-sided power and control continually ask for their needs to be met. They are not passive. Wives of male perpetrators often try to help their partner see how frustrating his control tactics are. But many perpetrators of one-sided power and control turn a deaf ear to such pleas. Generally those men who behave that way are determined to meet their own needs, not their partner’s. Many female victims will try to explain to their partner how his neglectful behaviours, denigration and mind games affect her. Often women will explain to the man how trapped they feel, how hurt they feel, how they need the safety and the space to be themselves. But such information is often used as further ammunition to further control, manipulate and abuse the female victim.
Victims often say, “No”, “Don’t”, “Stop”
Many women I have spoken to, who are in a one-sided abusive situation, will frequently say, “No” to the abuser. But it is extremely common for those men who are determined to control their partner to infrequently, if ever, respond positively to “No”. Many other women will try to resolve the power and control their partner has over them by arguing. But many of those women say this ends up being a waste of energy, because it does not stop their partner from continuing with neglectful, controlling, abusive behaviours.
Victims may become angry or abusive
The feeling of powerless and frustration that many women experience, because they cannot find a way to be heard, then leads some women to get very angry. Some women have to lie to be able to gain some freedom from the control. Some women become physically aggressive or violent as a way of trying to be heard. This then leads those women to believe they are the same as their abusive and controlling partner.
Some women will become manipulative by getting sick as a way of avoiding sex. However, that strategy does not work for many of those women, as there are some perpetrators who will coerce sex from their wife or partner, whether she is sick or not.
Some forms of control feel worse than others, for example, when one woman’s husband requested that she have a caesarian for his convenience, she became so enraged that she physically attacked him. But this attack was not just because of that one request from him. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was yet another controlling comment (aimed at meeting his needs, to the neglect of hers) after years of neglect, abuse, control and denigration. Many female victims hate themselves when they become abusive themselves. It is very confusing for them.
Many victims silence themselves or become isolated
But some women are afraid of anger – in others and in themselves. Some women do not want to appear abusive themselves so they will silence themselves as a way of dealing with being abused and controlled. They lose contact with friends because their partner has abused their friends, or denigrated those friends in such a way that leaves the woman wondering if her friends are good enough. Some women will simply stop seeing friends as a means of avoiding further abuse and control by their partner. They lose their self-esteem, their confidence. Many women who want to work, don’t work, because their partner has taken steps to stop her. This leads to more isolation. If he has taken her car from her, or “just” taken the keys, this leads to further isolation.
Victims’ multiple strategies tend not to work
Confusion is a hallmark for a victim of one-sided power and control – whether that is a woman’s experience in relationship with her husband, or the experience of someone being bullied at work. Most victims of psychological abuse and control are not passive. Victims resist. Victims fight back. Victims try to be heard. Victims try to make sense of why they are not being heard. Victims continually wonder how to get the abuser to be reasonable, to take responsibility for their actions, to try to see from the perspective of the victim. Victims continually ask for their needs to be met. They try to please the abuser, do as they are told. They rebel and say, “No”, “Don’t”, “Stop”. Victims become angry and aggressive. Yet at other times victims will silence themselves. It often takes 7, 15, 30, or more than 50 years for a woman to give up trying to resolve her partner’s behaviours. Many women feel like failures at this stage. But even then when they give up, they might try again — thinking, “If only I could work out why he does it, why he won’t take responsibility?”
Unless the controller takes responsibility for their behaviours, and takes real steps to change, it does not matter what aggressive, or passive, or assertive strategy the victim of one-sided power and control uses. The victim will never be able to change anything about the perpetrator’s behaviours until the perpetrator takes responsibility.
Safety is paramount for victims
It is important for the victim to take steps to keep herself psychologically and physically safe – whether she stays in the relationship or not. Safety is paramount when it comes to any friend, family or professional who tries to help a victim of power and control. It is vital that a support person understands the deep, complex and contradictory confusion that a victim may experience. The victim is not stupid. There are many reasons for the confusion. It is extremely common that a perpetrator will tell the victim many times, in many ways, that it is her fault, that the victim deserves the abuse and control. These messages may have been expressed to her in very subtle ways over the years of the relationship.
The controller steals the victim’s self-determination, her sense of integrity, her self-worth. It is important for any support person not to try to control her decisions too. If you are a support person, or if you are a victim of power and control – the following messages are for you…
- No one deserves to be victimised by a perpetrator of one-sided power and control
- One-sided power and control is aimed at confusing the victim
- The more confused the victim becomes, the more successful the perpetrator is in trapping the victim in their web
- The victim is not to blame
- Until the perpetrator of one-sided power and control admits to, and takes responsibility for their behaviours, it is impossible for a victim to feel they have any effect in trying to resolve the problem
- Any decisions the victim, or support person, makes should help enhance safety (psychological and physical) for the victim
{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Clare, I have followed the link you left at Castor Girls’ blog and I was wondering if you are familiar with the concept of Victimization Sequelae Disorder? Below is an excerpt from the Frank Ochberg’s webpage:
Why am I asking? Because it was this concept that has helped me enormously to be able to — intellectually — understand/accept/validate my extreme symptoms that otherwise made no sense to me. Do you find it helpful? I was writing about it here. Sam
Hi Sam – sorry for taking so long to reply. Thank you for uploading this list.
Upon first reading of it I agree that every female victim of intimate partner abuse and control that I have met has talked about having many of these experiences. However, when I start to get specific and look for complexities I only see a list of pathological labels that can disempower victims.
For example where it states:
Firstly, male perpetrators of power and control usually spend a great deal of energy actively blaming the victim – so much so that the victim is brainwashed. Secondly, subtle social cues blame the victim such as the cliché “why doesn’t she just leave”.
I take issue with the notion of “inappropriate idealization of the perpetrator” because, when it comes to women who experience abuse by their intimate partner, many women were attracted to men with qualities such as charming, kind, caring, sexy, passionate, tough, strong, cunning. Perpetrators of domestic violence may not be abusive all the time – many women talk about how great the sex was, how kind the man was at certain times about certain things. Additionally, certain sectors of the media, education system, other institutions, certain types of men and women idealise aggressive, violent men – especially men who control, objectify and use women.
Another statement I query is:
Innocence is NOT always obvious to women. Additionally many women report being abusive themselves – this so-called mutual abuse is a complex issue – as is one-sided power and control.
I’ll just challenge one other statement:
Many male perpetrators cause women’s socioeconomic status downward drift by controlling the finances. Government policies add to this downward drift – for example women have to pay rent at many women’s refuges/shelters. Many male perpetrators prevent women from advancing their education or careers, hence if women leave they are disadvantaged financially. Many men refuse to pay child maintenance because they feel they’ve lost control over ex-partners, children and finances. . . . . Clare.
Finally someone puts into words what I still can’t fully comprehend, maybe more embarrassed. 33yrs married the last straw and I ran. Luckily the kids were all moved out. As you said “if your counselor gets it”. You really have to experience psychological abuse to realize how sneakily and deadly and invisble it is. No witnesses, no evidence, nobody believes you because the perpretator is so wonderful outside the home and relationship.
I’ve been on my own now 6 yrs and still battling the scars. I still hear his words, see him around corners and so on. I’ve done counselling well before I left but he didn’t “get it”. Since everyone including family seems to think I am being snobby talking to them would be futile so I am trying to battle the scars and imbedded impairment alone. I still don’t have friends, don’t know how to make one. Holidays are alone, sometimes glad about it to save the “so what’s your problem”. Thank you ever ever for putting these words out. I hope somewhere within these words I will find a mantra that will help me heal scars and forget the battles. Don’t ask me to forgive him it will never happen. . . P
Dear P
Please understand what I’m trying to say. I feel very much like you and I’m still living with bully husband. But not forgiving does not hurt him, it probably will make him happy if he finds out. But all this anger at him can cause some serious physical problems for you. Forgiveness is simply letting go of the bad years of the experience you devoted to that undeserving human being and looking forward to enjoying the rest of your life. God help you with that.
Hi Clare. I find your website very interesting. It sounds like your journey has been fruitful
I am interested in the comment in your writing that victims may become’ill’ to avoid having sex?
Being told I’m a ‘somatiser’ has been tremendously shaming and disempowering for me. having had Chronic fatigue syndrome since the 1970′s outbreak of Tapanui Flu I’ve struggled with a lack of understanding about this problem, and I must admit, reading this comment took me aback.
Funny thing is, I’m having therapy again…and when my therapist is sick, she is just ‘sick’ but when I am, it is ‘somatsising. So I’m thinking this is a dangerous area we are entering, and actually, it appears to lead right back to…power and control’ ie the power to label people ‘manipulative’ for being ill!
I’ve had many health problems, including invasive breast cancer. I do find it offensive when people say I am ‘responsible’ for my cancer. Please, can we as educated aware people not go down the track of blaming people for illness. Plants get ill, as do animals,insects and people. It appears to me the to be human is to accept that there are mysteries in life we do not understand, and to be humble about this.
Thank you for your comments Helen. The field of psychology has tended to box counselling clients into either pathological or victim – tending not to acknowledge their myriad strengths, abilities and resources. That has especially been the case for victims of psychological abuse and control – as the most common question is, “why does she put up with it?” Shaming does not encourage flourishing into our full potential.
In this website I endeavour to acknowledge the complexity of social issues – especially psychological abuse and control. It seems to take a lot more words to discuss complexity! There are no black and white formulas for how women respond. This means I have to take care with every word I write in case the words are seen in black and white terms – and in danger of shaming.
Therefore I’d like to clarify further what I meant when I wrote above – “Some women will become manipulative by getting sick as a way of avoiding sex” – this refers to research participants’ stories. One of the women I interviewed, for instance, said she was sick a great deal during the final six months of her relationship. When she was asked if she thought becoming sick was an effect of enduring psychological abuse and control, she replied, “I partly at the time related it to sex because I had got to the point where I didn’t want him to touch me and he was really insistent that he was going to. Being sick was a legitimate way of getting out of sex. If you’re demonstrably sick then that’s good.”
This research participant was sick partly because of the stress of the abuse and in part felt that being sick became a strategy to help her avoid sex with her abusive partner. It did not mean she made herself sick or that she was responsible for her illnesses.
My use of the word “manipulative” refers to one of the many labels some women give themselves when they feel they have violated their moral codes. I observe repeatedly that many women develop a “negative” view of themselves for the ways they start behaving in response to long-term abuse and control. Such as lying in order to have some freedom, or getting angry, aggressive or violent in order to resolve the abuse and control, or in this case, by using physical illness as a “strategy” to avoid sex with a long-time abuser. I have so often found that when women react to long-term abuse and control in ways that are out of character, they label themselves manipulative, controlling, bitches.
this website was so helpful… it helped me understand a lot of things – especially how i feel because i was feeling confused for a long time!
thanks so much.
Hello Clare,
Your website speaks directly to the problem of abuse. Thank you for sharing this. I have a question, though, what happens after the victim is past her threshold, and chooses not to remain in the abusive relationship? To rephrase my question, how does one cope, with the inner anger? I’ve tried running, writing, meditating, anti-depressant medication, art. . . however, I’m at a loss. Because I still feel angry when I think about the abuse. Now that I recognize this anger, I can’t seem to let it go. I fear this will have a negative impact on my physical/psychological health and future relationships. Please advise. Thank you so much, for your time.
I’m grateful to be reading these posts on this website as I am in the throws of a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. I visit here occasionally to get some relief and maybe to get some courage to leave for good. The articles here are thorough and address the multiple angles of an abusive relationship. I don’t feel so judged here. You address so many of the nuances of the toll from the emotional, physical, and cultural abuses towards women and minorities and for that reason I am choosing to share, well, where I am at this moment.
I don’t have anything unique to say about his abuse other than it’s the standard litany of harms: He lies to me, hits me, chokes me, bites me, he’s handcuffed me, and neglets me, I’ve had 2 miscarriages in the past year with him and he wants kids, so I feel like I disappoint him. Further, I feel like he’s the only one that will have me because I’m 35 and am getting on the older end of the child-bearring spectrum. I think he’s sensed this fear and insecurity of mine and now he is even meaner to me. So he threatens me, won’t work anything out, etc…. I called the police on him in May, so he’s stopped being physically violent to me (after 8 months of it), but he still threatens to hurt me if I question him on anything or say “the wrong thing”. But, he tells me he loves me and wants to be together, but I think maybe he is trying to get me not to testify so that the case will be dismissed and then he’ll be able to keep his gun rights. And then ditch me. So he leaves me and comes back and yet every single time, no joke, as I try to pick up the pieces and move on; he’s the one who tries to re-establish contact again and tells me he loves me. So I feel I’m damned if I stay and damned if I go.
Sorry for my stream of consciousness writing, I’ve really not been able to talk about this freely.
Thank you for writting that abuse is also a masculine/culture issue. (He even uses that to tell me why it’s OK that he’s mean to me!) What did I do?! I am beautiful, feminine, nuturing, skilled and smart. I have everything! At least I try to remember that. He’s unemployed and is in construction and blames it on me. As for me, I am in a special, beautiful line of work in which I am with young girls every day to inspire them to be the best they can be and to be good and proud of being who they are. I teach them about self-respect and respect for others and how to be teammates and to not let anyone else’s judgement of them render them scared of following what they love and want to be. They look to me as their hero and inspiration! AND meanwhile I’m letting someone hit me, bite me, lie to me, choke me, and never be accountable for it and tell me that I am worthless. And now besides the fact that he still lies, trashes me to his friends with my most intimate secrets and his sexual exploits, threatens to become violent when I question him; he’s taking advantage of my fear that I can’t have my own kids by telling me that his friends and family would like me better if I had kids with him!
It’s all the same result – he’s an abusive jerk and I keep taking it and crying everyday and he tells me I have to take it to be with him. Why are people so mean? How do I get out and have the life I want to have?! I am just so outraged. Thanks for listening.
KRISTINA!!!!!!! OMG!!!
It’s now 2012 but I’m on this site to get answers myself – I have left the nasty, thoughtless, selfish, emotional abuser behind me recently – it was a drip feed and very subtle – he was good at it!!! Over two years and through the support of my beautiful parents I feel compelled to reply to you – I’m not a fan of these social sites and never relied/commented to anyone but I honestly cannot believe what you have accepted as normal behaviour …PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE leave him (maybe you have already it’s now 2012).
I’m going through the hurt phase at the moment and apologise if any of the content of my reply is misconstrued in any way – I’m only wanting another female to wake up and take the step away from this kind of behaviour.
I sincerely hope you found the courage to leave him and are now living your beautiful life…………….. Be strong you owe it to your beautiful self!!!
Kristina, I only hope you made it away from that man. He has a gun!!? Please! Him “ditching” you is the best thing that could happen to you. The worst: You could wind up in a ditch. Remember: the person most likely to murder you is the person sitting across from you at breakfast every morning (by a significant level of probability).
I understand why you would feel hypocritical, but I present another view to consider. You are an enlightened woman who is in a perplexing situation that you are trying to make sense of. Except there is no sense to be made of the actions of an insane person. You are the woman who inspires and guides these young minds toward self-love that leads to making responsible life choices for themselves. That is who you are. For the rest of your life. But you will only be a victim for as long as this man is in your life. You are ahead of the game as you hold the very keys with which you can set yourself free. Much love, jenn
Perhaps things will work for victims when the legal system is willing to deal with the person who causes the problem instead of victimizing the victim all over again.
Hello, thanks so much for your website…it is very helpful for those of us scarred by abuse.
A word to Kristina (above)…. I had 4 children to my abusive ex-husband and now have the great difficulty of raising them alone as I finally managed to get to the point where I finally ‘respected’ myself enough, and finally (gee, it took a looooong time to get to this point: the point where I finally decided to ‘do it’) knew that mentally and emotionally I had had enough….and it was helpful when a colleague told me that if I was not careful I would not be healthy enough ‘in my head’ to parent well for the future if I did not leave……and ..well….it took years of confusion, of often being unable to go to sleep at night for the worry of it all, worry about the kids being parted from their father, and fear that if I parted, whether he could even be trusted to be alone with the children and look after them safely….so I stayed for years longer and was in that same ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t’ state of what to do re: leaving, as you said….please remember : I do love and rejoice in my kids, but it is very hard to raise them if they have witnessed a lot of abuse….my problems didn’t end when I made the abuser leave, as the children had seen enough and heard enough psychological and verbal abuse over the years directed at me, that even though I’ve ‘rescued and protected’ them and wanted ultimately to keep them loved and safe; I now face a lot of disrespect and abuse from them also (3 are now teenagers) and they sadly learned this from their dad role-modelling it for them during our marriage….also, the children don’t see me as a valuable, special person worthy of love….I do look back now and see the OPTIMAL time to leave the abusive relationship was before I had children….as I have now got to participate with the father of the children and have a connection to him, even though he has left…he still has input and is able to contact me through the fact we both are parents of 4 beautiful children…. I would argue that it is better to move on (it takes sheer guts to do this, but you have it in you) and at some stage become a parent with someone you can TRUST who actually loves you….controlling abusive behaviour is never based on love or respect, only someone is loving to ‘use’ you….. I am privileged to now have met someone who does respect me, but I would have been happy to remain alone and without anyone till the end of my life, as my feeling was one of elation once I stepped away from the abuse and realised I was a lovely person and worthy. I had my last child at 41, so do not fear that your body is losing its fertility too soon…..
The best piece of advice I was given by a counsellor was, “If your teenage daughter was dating someone like your husband/abuser, what would you counsel her to do: to stay or to leave?”… Then you realise that you are special and someone, like your family, loves you, and that’s when I knew I must/should get out of the abusive relationshp.
My best wishes to you, Kristina. Kia kaha. (Gosh, I have written a lot!! Thanks for reading).
Thank you sooo much for the very valuable insight into my home situation, I have been a victim of this abuse for 16 long years, only last year I found the courage to walk away as it was like a light went off in my head,Ii became so unwell physically and mentally due to dealing with my husband’s behaviour. I would always fix everything that he did wrong, eventually I called the police when he was physically abusive to me. He got arrested and had to stay away from the family home until the hearing. When the case came to court the judge did not convict him and he was free to come back to the family home, which he did. He became more abusive. That’s when I ended up in hospital, not with physical injuries, but stress related due to my environment, as my husband got too clever to hit me again, so instilled fear of being hit instead. I left the family home with my 2 youngest children as by this time my eldest child was also abusive to me. I have managed to turn my eldest around and he now shows me the respect I well deserve. I have a case comming to court next week for a barring order against my husband to hopefully remove him from the family home and to reunite my children and myself. My husband is seen in our community as a decent man due to my lack of speaking out about the abuse we were enduring as a family from him. So I urge anyone who even thinks there’s something wrong in their relationship to speak out and squash domestic violence forever!!
It’s a big relief to read about your sharings coz I am experiencing psychological abuse by my husband. I am trying to find a way out … How do I get out of this position or what should I do to stop him abusing me without separating.
Hi, I am glad yet feel for every person that has experienced psychological/emotional abuse as I have.
I recognise the problem is with him yet I still do find myself blaming myself for my current circumstances and difficulties. We have separated and now have the ordeal of sharing care of our 3 year old daughter 50/50. It is with the changeovers that I get angry and resentful as well as have trouble believing this has all happened to me (us I should say as my daughter has to deal with the loss of her family because of it).
One of the biggest hurdles for me is how he blamed (and still does) blame me for the failure of our relationship. I also struggle as I was a stay at home mum, very isolated and still overcoming the depression caused by the abuse… now I find myself having to re-enter the workforce, still battling depression and anxiety and help my daughter through it emotionally too. All whilst he sits pretty in “our family home” and still has his work etc. i.e. I have so much more to deal with than him and no family support and my friends just don’t understand what I go through, I don’t know how to get through it all on my own and regain my trust in people and self-confidence. I guess the social stigma doesn’t really help people like myself.
Jane, get out… it doesn’t go away and will never change… it just gets worse until you get to a point where you start to think you are going crazy… that’s what he wants you to think so that you can take the blame for everything. I sure hope for your sake that you don’t have any children and can get some good family support so that you can move on… you deserve better and you deserve to be with someone who knows that you do! Love yourself, if you don’t nobody else will. Trust me.
I have been married for 20 years, I have a stable job, earn 3 times what my husband does. I’m vivacious and fun, love socialising. But around my husband I am submissive and the dutiful wife. I am almost 50 now and have had enough! I work hard and long hours, do everything for my family and now feel like I need to be “myself”. I have been invited to a ladies night out and I’m too afraid to go. If I ask him he says no, if I put my foot down and say I’m going he gets angry. I hate confrontation, last night I told him I was going to a ladies night with a friend, he got so angry and said that he refuses to allow me to go! He doesn’t believe in it, tells me he doesn’t trust me. Just because of his own insecurities the only place he allows me to be is at work or at the running club (where he goes with me). I just want to go and have fun and relax for a few hours and be “me”. I even suggested that he take me to the function and then pick me up afterwards. I believe this is abuse, why must I always feel like I’m having to be submissive. I contribute to the household, look after everything and everyone. I have been ill for 2 years and just feel so drained and suffocated, just want an opportunity to dress up, relax and be in the company of ladies and have some clean fun! Now I’m too afraid to just go on Friday night because he says he will divorce me and then I must take my children with me. That’s not fair all I’m asking for is a night off!
Colleen – the new Family Justice Review in UK and other recent changes, mean that authorities are recognising that shared-care, especially 50/50 arrangements are not in the children’s best interests. I expect you share their feelings. There is new research supporting the role of the primary carer (often the mother) as being the key to the child’s wellbeing. An abusive man can never be a positive primary carer. I am not writing this to guilt-trip you if you are happy with your arrangement, but I know how much propaganda and peer pressure mothers are subjected to with fathers’ contact, and I wanted to encourage you if you were unhappy with the set-up. x
Hi, I am shannon and I just recently left an abusive relationship and this is the first place I found that people actually seem to understand the things I’m going through. I’m a very strong woman and I did say no over and over and then it started getting physical. That’s part of the reason I left. I still love him and didn’t want to hurt him but I really don’t know why, or how, I could still be in love with him. I know that most of the things he did happened when he was drinking – but it started to slip over into when he was sober. Like never wanting me to go anywhere without him. I couldn’t even get out of bed without him, and I never cheated on him but he always thought I was. I had to be by his side 24/7 and I got so depressed never being able to just be me – walking on egg shells. And then, when he drank, it was worse most of the time. It was threats he knew what I was afraid of and used it until I was crying and shaking so bad I couldn’t stop. He made me have anxiety attacks. He would tie me up to the bed, to a chair, anything, so I wouldn’t leave. And he would tell me how if he couldn’t have me no one would. I was so terrified I finally went to a neighbour’s house and just told them we were fighting. But he thought I, or they, would call the police so he left. I stayed in that house for about a month and was so scared I would jump anytime a vehicle got near the house. I’m really still so confused. I’m not usually the type of person who lets someone do this to me – if you are a jerk I just leave. I’ve never felt this way about someone before and don’t understand how I can still love a man who is so insecure that he was gonna bury me in the front yard cause he thought that was the only way he could keep me. And his dad is the same way – really controlling. So I’m safe now and on the other side of the country but I still talk to him and am still trying to work it out hoping that he will change. Like he says he’s only 26 so maybe he will grow up. But it’s been really hard cause I don’t have anyone to talk to who understands what I’m going through. They all just tell me I shouldn’t talk to him anymore and to move on – but I feel like I never will and it hurts so bad. Any advice would be really helpful.
Hi I’m 24yrs old and have been married for less than a year. My husband has been abusing from the day after we got married and gradually it all got worse with each fight. What makes it worse is that we have a 4 month old daughter. He has banned me from friends and I’m not allowed to work because he feels that I would cheat on him, something I would never do. He threatens me again and again that he will kill. He swears at me, he disrespects me, and chokes me – most of all he makes me feel unworthy of anything. Since the birth of our daughter he has started accusing me of being a bad mother. He even went as far as telling me our daughter isn’t his. And yes, all this happens when he is drunk and around his single friends. He says he loves me time and time again but I can’t stand it any more even though it’s been such a short while. Like I feel now I never want to see him again even though it will hurt me…financially too. Please help me.
Psychological abuse, not only does it come from intimate partners, I have suffered it from family, ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, and co-workers.
A co-worker lied on me and my assignment ended. I got another job and a co-worker lied on me and my assignment ended. Then it happened again and I thought that three times were a charm – but I’m currenly unemployed LOL. My sister and I celebrated our birthday and she was given all the beautiful things that normally come with a birthday, and I wasn’t as is the case every year (51 and counting). The now ex-husband made plans to marry another woman while living with me. When I was made aware of it, I left California and gave away all of my possessions, left a job that yet another co-worker was targetting me for dismissal.
Today, I was made aware that the psychological abuse is still in existence for me but thank God for Al-Anon, grandchildren, a good man, and genuine people on my journey. I know that it does get better when we, or they, choose to leave. When my ex decided the other woman was a better fit for him, I was so depressed that I walked in the middle of the street and was almost hit. But today I am so GRATEFUL to him, and especially her, because she has to deal with his psychological abuse and I am in a better place. I have been given the gift of a friend who is totally the opposite of my ex.
I find it totally incomprehensible that the intelligent, hard working, nurturing, caring, generous women on here, are the ones being bullied and psychologically tormented.
I have been married to a man who is controlling and incessantly verbally abusive for 22 years. The signs were there from the very beginning. My mother warned me and yet to use a cliche “love is blind”. What began as possessiveness (and I thought back then I was totally loved) has become a total feeling of suffocation and isolation. He began by alienating me from my friends and family. He then inhibited my career choices and aspirations as a Uni graduate. He stopped me from pursuing my goals. I left my job to work in our business. Our business developed 7-fold under my input but this has never been acknowledged. He believes he is the one doing the hard work and I don’t work enough. He wakes me up all hours of the morning, and the children as well. They are teenagers now and they, too, are being controlled and isolated from their friends and not allowed to socialise.
My son has tried standing up to him, as I “have given up”, yet his father puts him down and humiliates him. I am afraid of the long-term damage he is inflicting. My daughter plans on leaving home, and she is only 17! I am being patient, waiting for her to finish her secondary schooling.
I feel disgust and loathing toward him. I cannot even go shopping without him ringing 10 times.
I have the money to leave him however I have one concern. He is an important member of our church community (Yes, hypocrite much?) and I worry about saving face. I worry about the business that I have sacrificed to develop. There are too many variables in my position. It would have been easier if I didn’t have money. Money is meaningless when you don’t have the freedom to enjoy it. I feel so entrapped in this large, beautiful home – its walls hide so much pain.
Those of you who have made the decision to leave are so powerful. I am in wonder of you.
Yes, all is very true. Now he is with another woman. And I see him tormenting her also. It is not too late for her, they are not married. I dare not say a word. I am at the least, safe now.
I know this thread was started sooo long ago but I hope someone out there is still reading and could help me.
I’m 23 and have been with a guy, also my age, for the past 5 years. These 5 years haven’t been entirely great. What started out as an amazing beautiful relationship with a caring and charming guy has now become a noose around my neck.
I’ve been psychologically abused so much that I went into depression and made several attempts to kill myself until the last one that landed me in the hospital for a week. I’ve seen it all – the belittling, humiliations, threats of physical harm to me and my family, isolated from friends, trash talk of all kinds, and being made to believe that I was a huge disappointment. He took all his time to make cruel jabs at my self esteem, destroyed my self confidence, and made me second-guess all my actions – from how to chop vegetables to how to speak to other people and even strangers. He convinced me that I could never do anything right.
About 2 yrs ago I picked up the courage to break up with him but then his grandma died and we started talking again and I comforted him and ended up getting back together. But things went bad again and I finally gathered the courage to break it off again after a particularly scary incident where he threatened to tie me up and torture me in front of my dad. He begged me to give him another chance and promised to get professional help and therapy. Seeing how broken he looked I believed him and we got into an arrangement where there is no relationship but we still meet and stay over and have intimate relations. But this is not working out anymore. All the yelling and sarcasm and threats and jabs have returned. I’m again made answerable for where and how I spend money and how I talk to him and other people.
I need help so badly. I don’t have the courage to leave again. I already have been made to feel guilty and been told that I am a selfish person who can leave him over and over and how he can’t trust me anymore. He keeps threatening to leave me and makes me feel guilty for trying to rebel against the abuse. I’m terrified and I’m going crazy. I’m losing control over my life. I fought back once but now I’m trapped coz I have no more strength left.
I am being divorced after a 35 year marriage because I asked for my spouse to spend a little more time with me and converse with me. I was told no, “I have to triage your conversation because all you do is yabber”. It is painful to be married to these individuals but it is unbelieveable to divorce them. Their need for control is overwhelming. I am finding that there is little this man won’t do to hurt me. I hope it will get easier with time.
Thank you – this is brilliant. As a survivor of just such a relationship, I can tell you this is spot on in my personal experience. And, it was horribly frustrating to get “supportive” advice from other people that ran along the lines of ‘just stand up to him’. Or my personal favorite, ‘you’re allowing him to treat you badly’. In order to help someone in such a situation as this, it’s really important to know that, more than likely, the target of this type of abuse has NO way to influence the abuser’s behavior because, in this case, he’s not open to influence and doesn’t care how his behavior effects others. I also know many women who do the same thing to their husbands and the PATTERN is spot on. Again thank you for this brilliant article!
Hi Amy – you ask such a pertinent question – one that I’ve been planning on blogging about – so instead of a long response to you here I wrote this blog using your words “Anger that just won’t go away”. Let me know if you find any of it useful. Clare
{ 1 trackback }