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Confused about helping women abused by male partners? Stage 3

by Clare Murphy on April 26 2009

When women start to develop a determination to prepare for seeking change it does not mean it becomes easy for friends and family to know how to support her. At this third stage in women’s process of making sense of one-sided power and control by a male partner, Dienemann and colleagues (2007) suggest women are considering change and looking at their options.

Confusion is really starting to set in for women at this stage

Being confused means women may stop blaming themselves, while at the same time still make excuses for their partner’s abuse, but start to realise he is choosing to do this to her as she has given him many opportunities to change and stop. Confusion may entail a desire to be loyal to her partner, whilst admitting that she feels abused and that what he is doing is unjust. She might continue to hope he will change, yet at the same time be riddled with thoughts of revenge or even murder. She may want to leave, but feel guilty about doing so.

The fact he continues to abuse and control her adds to her increasing commitment to seek change for herself. But many women do not want to lose what might be a fulfilling sexual relationship. Many women don’t want to lose all the material things they have created – their house, investments, car – and for some – holiday homes. Women do not want to leave their neighbourhoods where children attend school and have their friends. Women I’ve known also find it extremely difficult to contemplate losing their dreams of a happy-ever-after-marriage. Making choices that lead to these losses leads to a sense of failure and shame for many women. Women do not have to leave for a relationship to end – some countries have provision for court orders to be made so the abusive partner leaves the house.

The psychological toll starts to become unbearable. She may feel she has lost confidence, self-esteem and lost herself. She may feel incredibly anxious, traumatised, stressed and overwhelmed.

At this stage women may start to seek out other women victims for validation, understanding and support. There are group programmes and/or support groups in many large towns and cities for women who are victims of intimate partner abuse and control. Some of these programmes are free, some charge fees. Providing women with information about such programmes can be extremely useful at this time. There are also safe online forums for women to join and speak with and receive support and advice from other women and professionals. He Drove Me Mad is one such safe site, set up specifically for women who feel they are going crazy trying to figure out how they became reduced to feelings of madness.

Women at this stage need a great deal of understanding and validation as they struggle to find their lost selves. They will hesitate and falter at this stage, perhaps leave their partner, then return. It is not easy staying and trying to work out how to survive emotionally and physically, nor is it easy deciding to leave. Although they may talk about seeking some sort of change, that change may be to find the strength to know she is worthwhile – without rocking the boat in the relationship.

How you can support women at this confusing time:

  • Providing information and resources are key ways to help at this stage
  • Provide information about the dynamics of one-sided power and control and find names of counsellors known to understand the dynamics
  • Find out information about the costs and benefits of getting a protection order and how to get one
  • Make available names of lawyers, or contact details for community legal services
  • Give women contact details of local support groups – face-to-face or online
  • Help her set goals of her choice (remember she still wants the relationship to work at this stage)
  • Offer accommodation, or help her find free or affordable accommodation if she wants to trial a separation
  • Find out if your state or country provides legal assistance for women victims to stay in their home and male perpetrators to leave
  • Any help should always consider the woman’s (and her children’s) safety
  • Help her make a safety plan and provide support in using it
  • Affirm her worthiness

References:

Burman, Sondra. (2003). Battered women: Stages of change and other treatment models that instigate and sustain leaving. Brief Treatment and Crisis Intervention, 3, 83-98.
Burnett, Lynn Barkley & Adler, Jonathan. (2008). Domestic violence. Retrieved 5 April, 2009, from http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/805546-overview
Dienemann, Jacqueline A., Glass, Nancy, Hanson, Ginger & Lunsford, Kathleen. (2007). The domestic violence survivor assessment (DVSA): A tool for individual counselling with women experiencing intimate partner violence. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 28, 913-925.
Kramer, Alice. (2007). Stages of change: Surviving intimate partner violence during and after pregnancy. Journal of Perinatal and Neonatal Nursing, 21, 285-295.

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Feeling bemused about helping women abused by male partners – Stage 2

by Clare Murphy on April 21 2009

During the contemplation stage of women coming to terms with the abuse and control by their male partner, women begin to accept that there is a problem that is not resolving itself. Dienemann and colleagues (2007) call stage 2 a time when women continue to be committed to the relationship but begin to question it.

At this time women waiver between talking about and then not talking about the abuse. They start to consider advantages and disadvantages of making change and considering a different future.

Because women are still committed they may sacrifice themselves in order to maintain the relationship. Our society stresses the idea that it is a woman’s role to make relationships work. However at this stage she may begin to question whether she is to blame and ask her partner to get help. Therefore she will continue to seek answers to the logic underpinning his behaviours.

Coping with physical violence compared with psychological abuse and control

For women who are experiencing physical violence they may begin to fear for their lives and admit to not feeling safe. For women who never experience physical violence, but are being abused and controlled psychologically, there is no visible evidence of abuse. Outsiders might see bruises on women who are beaten, but psychological abuse is far more private – hence the abuser seems innocent. There is a move in our society to oppose violence against women – this helps women start to name the man’s violence as wrong and to push for him to get help. It is much more difficult to begin to label tactics of psychological abuse and control as wrong because our society avoids defining it and talking about it as a public issue.

In my work with women over the years I have observed the same distinctions as Valerie Chang has in her book I Just Lost Myself: Psychological Abuse of Women in Marriage.  Women who experience physical violence (and other forms of abuse and control) respond differently compared with women who are psychologically abused and controlled independent of physical violence. Women who are psychologically abused (but never physically hit) detach emotionally before separating and usually don’t attempt to reconcile after the relationship ends. These women are very hesitant to commit to another relationship because psychological abuse and control is a pattern over time, is confusing, insidious and very difficult to detect the warning signs. Whereas women who are physically hit may separate for the first time while they are still emotionally attached. Women who experience physical violence (compared with abused and controlled women who do not) are more likely to make many attempts to reconcile and they are optimistic about future relationships. Of course this is not always the case, however, as a friend or family member who is trying to help, it is important to understand some of the nuances.

Stage 2 is all about exploring pros and cons

Ultimately, stage 2 means women may start to explore options but are not ready to end the relationship. Women may feel trapped, may be desperate to make the relationship work for the sake of the children, will not want to humiliate her partner by calling the police, or by making the abuse too public. Many women believe their partner is insecure and needs their loving. At this stage women are not ready to give up trying and are very willing to give their partner another chance. Therefore some women may reverse or withdraw protection orders.

Women will likely seek information, some might leave at this stage, but don’t be surprised if they return. They are not stupid and they do not like or want to be abused. They want their relationship to work and they want to feel safe and carry out their commitment to be in relationship “for better or worse”. This requires incredible strength and resourcefulness. On the other hand women at this time may feel a lack of trust in themselves, their partner and people in general and believe that no one can help.

What can you do to help?

  • Help the woman talk through costs and benefits of the relationship – now and in the future
  • Discuss her fears of leaving, e.g. lack of resources – money, accommodation, social support, not wanting to be alone, shame, feelings of failure
  • Ask for her views of danger to her, her children, to others – whether she stays or leaves (Remember there is an increased chance of a woman being murdered after she leaves a man who has a history of being controlling)
  • Affirm that what she is experiencing is abusive and that she does not deserve it, nor is she to blame
  • Ask her for all the ways she (and her children) are being affected – psychologically, ability to function at work, ability to pursue dreams
  • Help her make a safety plan
  • Respect her decisions

References:

Burman, Sondra. (2003). Battered women: Stages of change and other treatment models that instigate and sustain leaving. Brief Treatment and Crisis Intervention, 3, 83-98.

Burnett, Lynn Barkley & Adler, Jonathan. (2008). Domestic violence. Retrieved 5 April, 2009, from http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/805546-overview

Chang, Valerie Nash. (1996). I Just Lost Myself: Psychological Abuse of Women in Marriage. Westport, CT: Praeger.

Dienemann, Jacqueline A., Glass, Nancy, Hanson, Ginger & Lunsford, Kathleen. (2007). The domestic violence survivor assessment (DVSA): A tool for individual counselling with women experiencing intimate partner violence. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 28, 913-925.

Kramer, Alice. (2007). Stages of change: Surviving intimate partner violence during and after pregnancy. Journal of Perinatal and Neonatal Nursing, 21, 285-295.

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How to help women abused and controlled by male partners: Stage 1

by Clare Murphy on April 7 2009

As Yolantha in this video says, she did not recognise she was in a domestic violence situation. She was attracted to her man because he was passionate about things. She had never heard of psychological abuse and control and what it entailed. But when she was given some information, she still didn’t want to believe it.

Not all women who are being controlled and abused ever experience physical violence and not all men initiate leaving. So how do you help a woman who is denying, minimising or excusing her partner’s abuse and control? It depends on what stage she is at.

The first stage is known as precontemplation – the stage before contemplating changing the status quo. Dienemann and her colleagues (2007) suggest this stage equates to when the woman is fully committed to the relationship.

When a woman in a relationship marked by one-sided power and control is fully committed to the relationship, she might talk about the positives, hiding any evidence of being abused. She might relabel the man’s abuse as the result of a stressful job, problems with his childhood, or that he is just being a ‘normal’ man. Our society places a great deal of emphasis on the notion that it is the woman’s role to make the relationship work. While a woman is fully committed she may not separate herself from the relationship. She may placate or submit to his requests and demands – not because she is codependent, but because it is a strategy to try to stop him from denigrating her. She may spend years trying hard to please him, or to improve herself to gain his acceptance and approval – in an attempt to reduce or stop his anger, or to reduce his suspicions that she is not a good enough housekeeper or mother, or that she is having an affair with another man. She might start to silence herself and stop ‘answering back’ – stop arguing the point – which are yet more attempts on her part to help him revert to the loving caring man he once was.

She may become more and more isolated

In the meantime he may have criticised her friends or threatened them so they may have stopped visiting, or stopped calling her. He may have explicitly told her she could not see her family or friends, he may have threatened to harm her family or friends . . . so over time she becomes more and more dependent on him for closeness and more and more isolated.

Friends and family may have tried to intervene

Friends and family may have mentioned to her that, “He’s controlling you”. She may have argued the point and made a seemingly valid excuse for his behaviours. Often friends and family might say, “He’s abusing you”, or “Leave him”. But at the time when she is very committed to making the relationship work, committed to helping him change and she is in fear of the relationship failing she may reject friends and family believing that “no one understands”.

Increasing psychological and physical harm

As months and years pass, she may become more demoralised because she has not changed him, he has continued to blame her while not taking responsibility and she has accepted the blame. It is highly probable that her self-esteem has become battered, she has lost confidence, she has become confused, numb, developed depression, post traumatic stress and anxiety. Many women by this stage may have developed physical health problems such as stomach pain, indigestion problems, fibromyalgia, headaches and chronic fatigue. She may be told by her partner she is crazy and she may feel as if she is going crazy.

Friends and family often feel helpless, powerless and hopeless

Friends and family often cannot work out how to help her or the right things to say. She may ask for help but reject it, she may just want to be heard and not want to have her problems solved. She wants to be understood. She wants to save her relationship while at the same time she wants the abuse and control to stop. If there is no physical violence it is very very difficult to define and name psychological abuse and control. It is difficult for the woman to do this. It is difficult for the man to define his behaviours as abuse – he may feel completely justified in his domination and control and disciplinarian behaviours – as a man – as head of the house. It is very difficult for friends and family and colleagues to – firstly even see psychological abuse and control because so much of it is subtle – and secondly to define it and name it even if they do suspect something.

This is stage 1 in a long process – so what can you do to help at this stage?

  1. At this stage it is highly likely the woman will only want to talk and be understood
  2. Tell her she does not deserve abuse, does not deserve to be controlled and she is not to blame

You could also do the following, but you may be rejected because she may just want to be heard

  1. Raise doubt in the woman’s mind – explain the ways this is not a healthy relationship
  2. Provide her with information about psychological abuse and control
  3. Tell her the difference between a healthy relationship and a relationship marked by one-sided power and control
  4. Do not force her to do anything – that is probably already a tactic used by her abusive and controlling partner
  5. Know that she probably sees any abuse as temporary – inform her of the risk of further abuse and control by a man who so far has refused to take responsibility for his behaviour

References:

Burman, Sondra. (2003). Battered women: Stages of change and other treatment models that instigate and sustain leaving. Brief Treatment and Crisis Intervention, 3, 83-98.

Dienemann, Jacqueline A., Glass, Nancy, Hanson, Ginger & Lunsford, Kathleen. (2007). The domestic violence survivor assessment (DVSA): A tool for individual counselling with women experiencing intimate partner violence. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 28, 913-925.

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How victims cope with psychological abuse and control

by Clare Murphy on February 16 2009

I had two clients arrive today in tormented distress. One client was confused about her husband’s behaviours. She was also distraught because she is yearning to leave, but feels guilty at the thought of doing so. She wants to leave but is still confused about why he continues to be abusive and controlling despite the wide range of strategies she’s used over the years to try to resolve the problem. He controls the money. He spends over and above the budget. He disposes of her possessions including cars. He makes all the family decisions. He never takes responsibility for any of his actions. He lashes out with his fists. He threatens to leave but stays. He denigrates her. He is unkind. He ignores her for days on end. He lives in his own world. He has isolated her from her friends. She has no friends anymore.

My other client is being abused by her boss. It is common for a workplace bully to target the most conscientious and capable worker. I asked if this might be happening. She said yes, that he was abusing her and the other good workers, but that the lazy workers were allowed to do what they wanted, whilst the conscientious workers were overworking to take up the slack. Both my clients were confused. They were both trying to do better in an attempt to stop the abuser from abusing them.

Why are victims of one-sided power and control so confused?

My two clients today are generous, intelligent and caring. The woman whose husband is controlling her has tried over her very long marriage to help him manage money. But he refuses to learn how, he refuses to allow her to take charge of it, he refuses to take advice from financial experts. He has lost most of their savings because of his ignorance and selfishness. He is always determined to do what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. I have met many women who have had the exact same experiences. Over the years these women have tried to get their partner to take responsibility for his aggression, his controlling, his abusiveness, his unkindness. Today my client was extremely distraught about her feeling of failure. She has never found a way to actually engage him in a conversation that would enable a resolution. This is a common experience for victims of one-sided power and control.

The victim tries many strategies to be heard

The bully at work and the bullying husband both refuse to take any responsibility for their behaviours. In the case of the woman whose husband is controlling her, she has tried yelling at him. She has tried getting him to see logic. She has often confronted her husband with requests that he not abuse her, not control her. But he always claims everything he does is right and justified. If she stays silent and lets him control her she becomes depressed, she loses herself. If she asserts herself, he gets angry and enraged and creates fear in her. No matter what strategy she use, he refuses to take responsibility for his behaviours, and refuses to consider her wellbeing. This is not just the experience of one woman. She is echoing the confusion of thousands of women who have a husband or male partner who is determined to get his way at all costs. She is experiencing physical health problems as a result of the abuse. This too is a common effect of being incessantly controlled. His behaviours were particularly bad last week, so one of her health problems became worse. My client, who is being victimised by her boss, is afraid of going back to work. She had to take a week off because she feels fear.

Many victims ask for their needs to be met

Lots of female victims of one-sided power and control continually ask for their needs to be met. They are not passive. Wives of male perpetrators often try to help their partner see how frustrating his control tactics are. But many perpetrators of one-sided power and control turn a deaf ear to such pleas. Generally those men who behave that way are determined to meet their own needs, not their partner’s. Many female victims will try to explain to their partner how his neglectful behaviours, denigration and mind games affect her. Often women will explain to the man how trapped they feel, how hurt they feel, how they need the safety and the space to be themselves. But such information is often used as further ammunition to further control, manipulate and abuse the female victim.

Victims often say, “No”, “Don’t”, “Stop”

Many women I have spoken to, who are in a one-sided abusive situation, will frequently say, “No” to the abuser. But it is extremely common for those men who are determined to control their partner to infrequently, if ever, respond positively to “No”. Many other women will try to resolve the power and control their partner has over them by arguing. But many of those women say this ends up being a waste of energy, because it does not stop their partner from continuing with neglectful, controlling, abusive behaviours.

Victims may become angry or abusive

The feeling of powerless and frustration that many women experience, because they cannot find a way to be heard, then leads some women to get very angry. Some women have to lie to be able to gain some freedom from the control. Some women become physically aggressive or violent as a way of trying to be heard. This then leads those women to believe they are the same as their abusive and controlling partner.

Some women will become manipulative by getting sick as a way of avoiding sex. However, that strategy does not work for many of those women, as there are some perpetrators who will coerce sex from their wife or partner, whether she is sick or not.

Some forms of control feel worse than others, for example, when one woman’s husband requested that she have a caesarian for his convenience, she became so enraged that she physically attacked him. But this attack was not just because of that one request from him. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was yet another controlling comment (aimed at meeting his needs, to the neglect of hers) after years of neglect, abuse, control and denigration. Many female victims hate themselves when they become abusive themselves. It is very confusing for them.

Many victims silence themselves or become isolated

But some women are afraid of anger – in others and in themselves. Some women do not want to appear abusive themselves so they will silence themselves as a way of dealing with being abused and controlled. They lose contact with friends because their partner has abused their friends, or denigrated those friends in such a way that leaves the woman wondering if her friends are good enough. Some women will simply stop seeing friends as a means of avoiding further abuse and control by their partner. They lose their self-esteem, their confidence. Many women who want to work, don’t work, because their partner has taken steps to stop her. This leads to more isolation. If he has taken her car from her, or “just” taken the keys, this leads to further isolation.

Victims’ multiple strategies tend not to work

Confusion is a hallmark for a victim of one-sided power and control – whether that is a woman’s experience in relationship with her husband, or the experience of someone being bullied at work. Most victims of psychological abuse and control are not passive. Victims resist. Victims fight back. Victims try to be heard. Victims try to make sense of why they are not being heard. Victims continually wonder how to get the abuser to be reasonable, to take responsibility for their actions, to try to see from the perspective of the victim. Victims continually ask for their needs to be met. They try to please the abuser, do as they are told. They rebel and say, “No”, “Don’t”, “Stop”. Victims become angry and aggressive. Yet at other times victims will silence themselves. It often takes 7, 15, 30, or more than 50 years for a woman to give up trying to resolve her partner’s behaviours. Many women feel like failures at this stage. But even then when they give up, they might try again — thinking, “If only I could work out why he does it, why he won’t take responsibility?”

Unless the controller takes responsibility for their behaviours, and takes real steps to change, it does not matter what aggressive, or passive, or assertive strategy the victim of one-sided power and control uses. The victim will never be able to change anything about the perpetrator’s behaviours until the perpetrator takes responsibility.

Safety is paramount for victims

It is important for the victim to take steps to keep herself psychologically and physically safe – whether she stays in the relationship or not. Safety is paramount when it comes to any friend, family or professional who tries to help a victim of power and control. It is vital that a support person understands the deep, complex and contradictory confusion that a victim may experience. The victim is not stupid. There are many reasons for the confusion. It is extremely common that a perpetrator will tell the victim many times, in many ways, that it is her fault, that the victim deserves the abuse and control. These messages may have been expressed to her in very subtle ways over the years of the relationship.

The controller steals the victim’s self-determination, her sense of integrity, her self-worth. It is important for any support person not to try to control her decisions too. If you are a support person, or if you are a victim of power and control – the following messages are for you…

  1. No one deserves to be victimised by a perpetrator of one-sided power and control
  2. One-sided power and control is aimed at confusing the victim
  3. The more confused the victim becomes, the more successful the perpetrator is in trapping the victim in their web
  4. The victim is not to blame
  5. Until the perpetrator of one-sided power and control admits to, and takes responsibility for their behaviours, it is impossible for a victim to feel they have any effect in trying to resolve the problem
  6. Any decisions the victim, or support person, makes should help enhance safety (psychological and physical) for the victim

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News release about male perpetrators of domestic violence

by Clare Murphy on February 11 2009

I just arrived back from Brisbane, Australia after conducting a public seminar about my PhD research. While there, the Queensland University of Technology marketing and communication department uploaded a media release titled “Misplaced machismo behind domestic violence”. It begins . . .

Societal power structures and some pop culture stereotypes which lead some men to fear appearing weak are often behind intimate spousal abuse, a new study has found.

Clare Murphy of QUT’s Faculty of Law has, as part of her PhD research into men’s intimate partner abuse and control, interviewed 16 men who have been physically, emotionally, sexually or financially controlling of a live-in female partner and participated in programs to stop abuse.

Her research found many men who had been abusive thought that displaying behaviours such as showing empathy and love meant they would be seen as less masculine by other men.

“Most of the men I interviewed were not keen to experience the lack of acceptance and humiliation that goes along with being low on the masculine hierarchy,” said Ms Murphy . . . You can click here to read the rest of this news release. 

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Men’s tactics of power and control against female partners

by Clare Murphy on January 29 2009

Today I uploaded an extensive list of power and control tactics as used by those men who abuse and control their intimate female partner.
Click to see Tactics

Types of tactics

The following list of tactics of power and control summarises the list that you can view by clicking on the image to the left. It’s a pdf so you may save a copy. This short list barely scratches the surface of the range of ways women experience abuse and control at the hands of the man they love:

  • One-sided power games including behaviours that ensure he has his way at her expense
  • Mind games including guilt trips and confusing her in ways that make her feel crazy
  • Inappropriate restrictions including refusing to let her work
  • Isolation including controlling incoming information such as what she reads
  • Over-protecting and ‘caring’ including dissuading her from going out alone in case she gets raped
  • Emotional unkindness and violation of trust including promising to help and then ‘forgetting’
  • Degradation including criticising her strengths and achievements
  • Separation abuse including stalking such as leaving flowers – this sends a threatening message that he can always find her no matter where she is. Whereas, an outsider might look at this act, and think of it as a caring gesture.
  • Using social institutions including engaging in child custody battles to maintain power over her
  • Using social prejudices such as saying to a disabled partner that she can’t even walk out the door – this reinforces his power
  • Denial including refusing to take responsibility for the harm he causes
  • Minimising by saying “it wasn’t that bad, get over it”
  • Blaming by twisting the story so she appears responsible
  • Making excuses such as blaming stress at work
  • Using children for example saying he wouldn’t get so angry if she kept the children quiet
  • Economic abuse including not allowing her access to any money, or putting her in charge of the budget, but then spending all the money and abusing her when the debt mounts
  • Sexual abuse including pressuring her to have sex when she is sick
  • Symbolic aggression including threats to harm her family, friends, pets
  • Domestic slavery including punishing her for not carrying out duties he claims she should have, while not carrying out his own
  • Physical violence including hair pulling and dragging her along the floor

Systematic pattern of power and control

As the above list suggests, physical violence is just one tactic among many that some men subject their female partners to. And not all these men use physical violence – ever. Rather they use some, or all, of the above psychological and structural forms of control.

Each behaviour, when looked at separately, could seem justifiable. Each singular behaviour could look like something minor. Each behaviour on its own could appear that the woman provoked it. Just one of these behaviours viewed from the outside – out of context – could appear like he was just having a bad day.

However, look at this short list in its entirety. Now consider this mass of behaviours as a systematic pattern. Also know that women who are subjected to this pattern of abuse and control experience MANY of these tactics – every day, every week, every month, every year – for years and years. Then ask yourself if you think this systematic pattern of power and control is about the man just having a bad day. Or is there a campaign (whether it is conscious or not) to win at all costs and to maintain power and control?

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Domestic violence is much more than physical violence

by Clare Murphy on January 27 2009

Domestic violence, family violence and intimate partner violence – when perpetrated by men against their female partners – are terms riddled with stereotypes that seep into the public consciousness. The man is labelled a batterer, his victim a battered woman. Everyone knows violence against women is wrong so the social myths help to make rational sense of it . . .

He is thought to lose control, she is thought to be stupid for putting up with it. He is thought to be a monster, she is thought to bring the worst out of him. Obviously he must be psychologically ill, and obviously she must like that sort of thing.

But does he lose control at work and beat his boss? What about all the times she tries to talk reason with him and he refuses to respond? If he’s such a monster why do others think he’s so charming? Does she bring the worst out of everyone else in her life? If he is psychologically ill, surely that illness would manifest in violence in every context. And if she really does like that sort of thing, how can you explain why she does not “attract” violent men and women into her life outside the relationship?

What is really going on here?

Unravel physical violence from psychological abuse and control

I think an important place to start unravelling this dilemma is by describing the web of domestic violence by untangling one strand at a time.

Define the extent of domestic violence

Domestic violence includes, but is not limited to: Sexual coercion, financial restrictions, verbal abuse, isolation from friends and family, denigration, controlling the woman’s decisions, whereabouts, education, work. Controlling those things might include forcing the woman not to work, or to overwork. It might include forcing her to take the blame for all the bad family decisions, while not allowing her to make any of them. It might include disallowing her to have her spiritual practices, invading her privacy, and/or incessantly accusing her of having extra marital affairs, that in reality she never has.

All the above are tactics of power and control. One tactic at a time, often subtle and covert, creeps into the woman’s life. One tactic at a time strips away a piece of the woman’s self-esteem and confidence.

Know the effects of psychological abuse and control

Taken together an array of controlling tactics depletes the woman’s ability, or opportunity, to grow, to advance her education, her financial status, her career, her support network. Systematically one, some, or all of these rights are weakened, taken away, or prevented from flourishing.

The abuser twists the woman’s mind, plays mind games, confuses her. He breaks promises, switches tactics, provides irrational explanations that he claims to be rational. He charms others while he denigrates his partner. He makes excuses that would make sense socially. If these excuses are backed up by social myths then the excuses also make sense to the woman. After all, everyone makes mistakes and hurts others sometimes don’t they?

Many perpetrators of domestic violence never use physical violence

Many women live 12, 31, 53 or more years in a relationship with a man who psychologically abuses and controls her, but never uses physical violence. Some of those men might have lightly hit the woman once or twice in all those years. But the women always tell me they were never afraid of physical violence, rather they were they were afraid of more control, they were downtrodden by the non-physical tactics, and they were afraid of the degrading effects the control had on them. The women I counsel talk about the shame of staying with their partner and they tell me they are very confused about why they stayed so long. But their reasons for staying are complex. Those men who do perpetrate one-sided power and control are responsible for doing so. It is not the woman’s fault. She does not deserve it.

Name the abuse, name the control

Physical violence is visible to the public. There is public outrage about it. Physical violence is considered an important problem to be resolved – by the perpetrator and by the public. Physical violence might create an imminent threat to life. Women have bruises to show and the media sensationalises the violence. The man seems guilty. The woman is able to give this form of abuse a name. It is only then that she can make a decision about how to respond to it.

Non-physical power and control tactics are invisible. The public (in general) does not recognise the pattern, does not name it, does not discuss it. No one can be outraged about something they do not understand. This lack of information means the victim cannot define what is happening to her. Psychological abuse and control are not considered very important in the eyes of the media, the law, or people in general (unless they’ve lived with it). The woman has no bruises to show. The man seems innocent.

Yet women who experience physical violence accompanied by a systematic pattern of psychological abuse and control all say the psychological abuse and controlling tactics are more painful, cause greater damage, and are longer-lasting than physical violence. I hear this time and time again with each client I meet, each friend and family member who reveals their story, and this effect is widely reported in research studies with women survivors.

There are no honeymoon periods with a pattern of non-physical control, there is no loss of control on the part of the perpetrator. This deeper, more central feature of so-called “domestic violence” is likened to living in, and recovering from, the brainwashing that occurs in cults.

Valerie Chang, in her book, I Just Lost Myself: Psychological Abuse of Women in Marriage, discusses ways women respond when they are psychologically abused by their male partner. Of these women, she compares those who are never physically beaten with those women who are. The former group of women are less likely to seek help, more likely to detach from their partner before plucking up the courage to separate, more likely to never attempt a reconciliation, and more hesitant to ever commit to another male partner.

Psychological control predicts separation abuse

For many women there is no escape from psychological abuse and control by their partner after leaving him. This is especially the case for women who share children with the male perpetrator. Many controlling perpetrators use children as weapons against women. They will drag women and children through years of custody battles in the courts – for many perpetrators this is not necessarily to gain access to the children – rather it is to maintain power and control over their ex-partner.

Many studies attempt to locate risk factors that might predict physical violence or homicide by a male perpetrator against his ex-partner. Findings show that a man’s history of psychologically controlling behaviours is one of the strongest risk factors. Therefore, it is vital to realise that power and control is interwoven in, through and around what most call “domestic violence”. Physical violence does not reinforce psychological abuse. Psychological abuse is not a transitory stage leading to physical violence.

Physical violence is just one tactic among many that some men use with the aim of winning power and control over female partners.

It is never too late to act against psychological abuse and control

Many women live in relationships with a man who psychologically abuses and controls her. Some women might experience physical violence too, but many do not. No matter which is the case, the non-physical tactics are generally invisible to others and are not defined as abuse by the woman, until years after leaving her partner. Some are luckier, in that they go to counselling for depression or anxiety while still in the relationship. However, they are only luckier if the counsellor or psychologist is educated in understanding the dynamics of one-sided power and control, and can therefore help the woman make sense of why she may have nightmares, why she may no longer have friends, why she may have no access to money even if she did want to leave, and why she may lock herself away in one room of the house. It is not depression that makes her feel a heavy presence in the house, or makes her feel sick any time she has to be around the man who has been controlling her. It is his control over her that has led to those feelings. She may only come to counselling after years of anger and frustration due to trying to get him to take responsibility for his behaviours – and failing. She may only come to counselling after years of changing herself in an attempt to stop his abuse and control. Now she might have reached a stage of giving up trying, but is probably blaming herself for “her” failure to get him to take responsibility. After all – isn’t the social myth that it is the woman’s job to make a relationship work?

References:

  • Cattaneo, Lauren Bennett & Goodman, Lisa A. (2005). Risk factors for reabuse in intimate partner violence: A cross-disciplinary critical review. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 6, 141-175.
  • Chang, Valerie Nash. (1996). I just lost myself: Psychological abuse of women in marriage. Westport, CT: Praeger.
  • Gondolf, Edward W. (1988). Who are those guys? Toward a behavioral typology of batterers. Violence and Victims, 3, 187-203.
  • Laing, Lesley. (2004). Risk assessment in domestic violence. Australian Domestic and Family Violence Clearinghouse Topic Paper.   Retrieved July, 2010, from http://adfvcnew.arts.unsw.edu.au/topics/topics_pdf_files/risk_assessment.pdf
  • Mouzos, Jenny & Makkai, Toni. (2004). Women’s experiences of male violence: Findings from the Australian component of the International Violence Against Women Survey (IVAWS).   Retrieved July, 2010, from http://www.aic.gov.au/documents/5/8/D/{58D8592E-CEF7-4005-AB11-B7A8B4842399}RPP56.pdf
  • Weisz, Arlene, Tolman, Richard M. & Saunders, Daniel G. (2000). Assessing the risk of severe domestic violence: The importance of survivors’ predictions. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 15, 75-90.

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Alcohol does not cause domestic violence

by Clare Murphy on January 25 2009

The link between alcohol and violence is oversimplified and creates false stereotypes. I bet if you thought of a man who perpetrated domestic violence against his female partner, you would guess he was probably drinking alcohol. In fact this assumption is supported by research that finds that men who use alcohol and who hit their partner are violent more frequently and with more severe consequences than men who do not use alcohol.

Social acceptance of the alcohol-violence link

Different cultures sanction different ways of behaving when under the influence of alcohol. Cross-cultural studies show that it is only western culture that exerts social messages that condone anti-social behaviour when drinking. In western society, drink and violence are thought to be naturally linked – caused by the loosening of brain functions that are believed to normally keep violence in check. But, there is a great deal of evidence to show that being violent when drunk is socially legitimised.

This then leads some male perpetrators of domestic violence (in western society) to drink alcohol on purpose to reduce anxiety and to muster the courage to beat their wives. As a study conducted by Coleman in 1980 showed, one man spent the day drinking and taking pills while preparing to brutally beat his wife the following day.

Alcohol and the loss of control are two common socially accepted excuses used by many men who hit their female partners. For example Gelles and Cavanaugh (2005) cited research that showed that there were men who beat their wives and then told police they lost control because they were drinking. But, when given a test, they were found not to be over the legal alcohol limit.

The myth of losing control

The link between alcohol and violence is commonly thought to lead to a loss of control. But domestic violence perpetrated by men is often deliberately aimed with a specific purpose in mind. For instance men tell researchers and stopping abuse programme facilitators that they hit their partner because they wanted her to cook the dinner on time, they wanted to stop a fight, to hurt her, to frighten or silence her, or to isolate her from family and friends.

There are men who blame alcohol and loss of control for their violence, yet simultaneously may be perpetrating an ongoing systematic pattern of non-physical forms of abuse and control. In this case, physical violence is just one tactic in a one-sided perpetration of power and control. Therefore this undermines any notion that loss of control is the key problem.

Attitudes contribute to violence

Other research notes that men who use alcohol, and beat their female partners, have attitudes that approve of aggression towards women. Or they have an underlying need for power and control over female partners.

The complex reality about men, alcohol and violence

  • Whether drinking, or not, male perpetrators may avoid dealing with relationship problems in positive ways.
  • Women’s stories show that their male partners who are intoxicated in public wait to beat her in private.
  • It is pretty rare that a man who uses alcohol, and then hits his female partner, will hit his boss.
  • Men choose who to hit, which part of the body to hit, how to hit – whether that’s a closed fist, an open hand, hair pulling, kicking or strangling.
  • Many men who drink do not hit their partner after drinking, but many of those men do hit her when sober.
  • One study found that, men who never drank, used violence against their partners more often than men who drank on occasion.
  • Importantly – many men who use alcohol never use violence against their female partners ever.

These findings completely undermine the direct causal link between alcohol and violence against women.

The masculinity-alcohol-violence link

Research conducted in New Zealand and Australia finds that media images and peer pressure links heavy drinking with a particular sought after form of masculinity – but only sought after by men who want to gain acceptance and recognition in the eyes of particular men. For those men, under-drinking is considered dishonourable and therefore breeds humiliation. The same findings hold for violence. There are men who must initiate or defend themselves with physical violence for the sole purpose of avoiding humiliation and to establish a particular form of masculine honour.

The alcohol-violence link debunked

It is evident then that alcohol does not cause domestic violence. Not all cultures show a link between alcohol and violence, rather western society, in particular, condones anti-social behaviour when drinking. This then gives those men who hit their wives a socially legitimate excuse, whereas men who drink and hit their partners also do so when sober. Two threads weave through this link between alcohol and violence – namely some men’s attitudes that it is okay to have power and control over women – and some men’s needs to practice a particular style of masculinity that guarantees rewards of honour and acceptance from particular people.

References

Bograd, Michele. (1988). How battered women and abusive men account for domestic violence: Excuses, justifications, or explanations? In G.T. Hotaling, D. Finkelhor, J.T. Kirkpatrick & M.A. Straus (Eds.), Coping with family violence: Research and policy perspectives (pp. 60-77). Newbury Park: Sage.

Coleman, Karen H. (1980). Conjugal violence: What 33 men report. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 6, 207-213.

Gelles, Richard J. & Cavanaugh, Mary M. (2005). Association is not causation: Alcohol and other drugs do not cause violence. In D.R. Loseke, R.J. Gelles & M.M. Cavanaugh (Eds.), Current controversies on family violence (2nd ed., pp. 175-189). Thousand Oaks: Sage.

Gondolf, Edward W. (1995). Alcohol abuse, wife assault, and power needs. Social Service Review, 69, 274-284.

Hill, Linda. (1999). What it means to be a lion red man: Alcohol advertising and Kiwi masculinity. Women’s Studies Journal, 15, 65-85.

Holtzworth-Munroe, Amy, Bates, Leonard, Smutzler, Natalie & Sandin, Elizabeth. (1997). A brief review of the research on husband violence: Part I: Maritally violent versus non-violent men. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 2, 65-99.

Ptacek, James. (1988). Why do men batter their wives? In K. Yllö & M. Bograd (Eds.), Feminist perspectives on wife abuse (pp. 133-157). Newbury Park: Sage.

Robertson, Neville & Busch, Ruth. (1998). The dynamics of spousal violence: Paradigms and priorities. In M. Pipe & F. Seymour (Eds.), Psychology and family law: A New Zealand perspective (pp. 47-66). Dunedin, NZ: University of Otago Press.

Tomsen, Stephen. (1997). A top night: Social protest, masculinity and the culture of drinking violence. British Journal of Criminology, 37, 90-102.

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Fear and shame: The lifeblood that keeps ‘power and control’ alive

by Clare Murphy on January 23 2009

If you have had abusive life experiences it is highly possible you were left with a legacy of fear and shame. Until you embark on a journey of healing this legacy by developing awareness, wisdom and empathy for yourself and others, these feelings may have led you down one of two tracks – to conformity or to rebellion.

Conformers

For those who conform, fear and shame subordinates, leads you to do as you are told, to do as the controller (or master) commands. Conformity leads to a gradual annihilation of yourself, your life-force, your aliveness. You become hypervigilant – always walking on egg shells for fear of doing something wrong – and then getting attacked because of it. The conformist is always aware of what others might be thinking and feeling. Always watching carefully in an attempt to keep safe.

Rebellers

For those who rebel, fear and shame lead you to reject controllers. They lead to seeking out other people who similarly rebel against controllers. They lead to affiliation with ‘bad boys’ and/or ‘bad girls’. They lead to deriding and bucking the authority that would squash you. Paradoxically, though, these behaviours lead the ‘rebellious’ to creating the SAME system. A new group which also entails hierarchies consisting of controllers and followers.

Here’s the nub. Groups of ‘bad boys’ and ‘bad girls’ have hierarchies consisting of controllers and followers.

There is a pattern here . . .

Aligning yourself with other rebels

You take the same controller ideas, techniques and values with you when you hang out with ‘bad boys’ and ‘bad girls’. Someone there tells the others what to do. Wherever you are on that spectrum, means you might become that controller. Or you might become the follower.

If you become the abusive controller within your new group of ‘bad boys’ or ‘bad girls’ – your fear and shame may make you violent. It will make you use and abuse others so that you feel powerful. You will do whatever it takes to win. You will do whatever it takes to avoid feeling fear, shame, weak or vulnerable. You will demand ‘respect’ from all your followers by making them scared of you. This is the bully pathway to becoming a domestic violence perpetrator.

If you become the loyal, acquiescent follower in your new group of ‘bad boys’ or ‘bad girls’ – yet again you lose yourself. You subordinate yourself to someone else’s rules. You treat the controller as the authority, as if they are right, as if they have the right to shape who you are and what you do. You suppress your own thoughts and feelings because the controller does not want your views. Sadly, the controller can only be who they are because you and other followers support them. But you think: “There is safety with my peers, this is better than other controllers” like teachers, mothers, fathers, sports coaches telling you what to do. You believe your new friends are superior to them and so deserve your respect. You and your friends all hate those other controllers. You gang up against them. But you never admit, or don’t easily recognise, that you are scared of the new controller that you have attached yourself to. You try to please them. The rot sets in. This is a pathway to becoming a victim of domestic violence. And – ironically – this is another pathway to becoming a domestic violence perpetrator.

How to step out of the loop of power and control

Given that fear and shame are the lifeblood of one-sided power and control – for both controllers and followers – it is pretty difficult for either to muster the courage to step away from this pervasive social problem. Change requires courage.

  1. The first step towards change is awareness. You have to be honest about the ways you are losing yourself. What are the costs to you of controlling others or of aligning yourself with controllers? Do you truly feel the psychological and physical safety you had hoped for? Be honest – deep down can you actually trust the controller? Do you feel respected for your own opinions, your own values – do you even have any?
  2. The second step is naming a clear set of pro-social values for yourself to move towards. When you run away from situations without clearly defining what you are moving towards you repeat old patterns. Your new set of values needs to honour your aliveness and to honour the aliveness of others.

Linking freedom with responsibility

Some people believe they have the right to freedom. But the perpetration of one-sided power and control means TAKING freedom from others. Whereas true freedom is always accompanied by responsibility – not only for yourself – but for others.

  • True freedom entails responsibility for the rights of others as well as yourself – which entails compromise.
  • True freedom does not mean stomping on others.
  • True freedom means risking possible rejection, being scoffed at or ostracised. But who specifically are you afraid will reject you?

Often perpetrators and victims of one-sided power and control are too scared to change because they are trying to gain acceptance from other people – especially people who make them feel psychologically unsafe. Who do you try to please? Do you feel 100% free to be yourself around them?

Social responsibility

It is rare for bystanders to step in and take a stance against one-sided power and control.

Why is this?

  • Family relationships are considered private
  • Bad school boys are left to their own devices so they can ‘toughen’ up and become so-called ‘real’ men
  • Some ‘bad’ girls receive honour, prestige and acceptance from so-called friends for being violent
  • Violent boys most certainly receive such kudos from particular complicit male and female friends
  • Some consider it okay that heterosexual people to make fun of homosexual people
  • Others believe men have the right to control women
  • Yet others believe it is a parent’s right to control children by demeaning them

Many people do not understand the subtleties of power and control and the harm it causes. Some people knowingly condone this form of abuse, whilst others just don’t see it. Following the principles of Deep Ecology I consider the richness and diversity of all humans should be allowed to flourish. But one-sided power and control not only diminishes the life-force of the victim, it paradoxically diminishes the life-force of the perpetrator.

I’ll leave you with questions that Mahatma Gandhi might ask:

  • Do your actions work against others’ freedom to flourish?
  • Do your actions enable others’ freedom to flourish?

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Abusive vs healthy relationships: What’s the difference?

by Clare Murphy on January 6 2009

People I meet say, “Isn’t everyone psychologically abusive sometimes?” Yes many people are. But there’s a big difference between healthy relationships and abusive relationships.

In a healthy relationship a person uses abuse on one-off occasions. You can predict that they will be caring, loving and respectful most of the time.

But in an abusive relationship a person uses abuse and control often. You can predict that they will abuse you – and that they will control you. Sometimes they are caring and loving.

One-off moments of abusiveness

In a healthy relationship the person using psychologically abusive behaviours will be abusive sometimes, not many times a day, not everyday. This person is willing to pull themselves back. They take responsibility for the harm they’ve caused. They are willing to learn – that means they are willing to be vulnerable. They are willing to grow and change – that means the relationship is a work in progress. The relationship is a creative adventure. When that person is abusive their apology means something. Their apology means something because they take real steps to build equality. Their apology means something because their behaviours change. Let’s pluck a figure out of the air – 95% of the time they are respectful.  They are willing to empathise with the pain they have caused. They compromise. There might be moments – 5% of the time – when they want things their way. Don’t we all? 

A healthy relationship takes two to tango

A healthy relationship entails two people who are willing – and do – resolve (or agree to differ) issues that crop up. Both people take responsibility for their behaviours. If one of the people wants and needs to win – this is not to the extent that the other person becomes physically and psychologically ill because of it. No one in a healthy relationship fears the other person. If they do feel fear – this will be short-lived because the other person takes responsibility and never behaves that way ever again. A healthy relationship is a safe place. A nurturing and nourishing place.

One-sided continuous pattern of abusiveness

An abusive relationship is a one-sided affair. One person is determined to get their way. They use ‘power and control’ to do so. They use a continuous pattern of behaviours over time. The behaviours are intended to dominate and to win. The behaviours are aimed at being right at all costs. The abuser intentionally chooses to use those behaviours to achieve their aim. To win. The victim must alter their behaviour but the abuser refuses to alter theirs.

The abuser does not want to resolve relationship issues

In a relationship with a control freak in charge, it is wrong to say, “it takes two to tango”. The abuser’s attitudes are destructive. The abuser might say they want to change – but they do not. They might make efforts to change – but revert. They might make a change – but add another abusive or controlling behaviour to their repertoire. The abuser has a sense of safety, the victim lives with fear. To win, the abuser ensures the victim’s self-hood must be diminished on all levels. The abuser uses any tactic to achieve their aim. Therefore, many tactics appear to be contradictory. The only constant is the intention to establish their ‘power and control’.

The victim does want to resolve relationship issues

The victim is often desperate to resolve relationship issues. They spend years trying to figure out why the abuser does what they do. They spend years altering their own behaviours. They continually try new ways to stop the abuse. This is why it is a misnomer to say that “it takes two to tango” in a relationship marked by one-sided power and control. The victim tries to figure out how to please the controller. The victim obeys. They victim resists. The victim fights. The victim lashes out in anger. The victim silences themselves. The victim pleads. The victim becomes ill – physically ill and/or psychologically ill. The victim might attempt suicide. They might attempt murder. The victim might kill themselves. They might kill the perpetrator.

What’s your story?

What are your experiences that define differences between a relationship marked by one-sided power and control and a healthy relationship where both people take responsibility for their actions and make changes accordingly? Please tell me your stories.

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