If you have had abusive life experiences it is highly possible you were left with a legacy of fear and shame. Until you embark on a journey of healing this legacy by developing awareness, wisdom and empathy for yourself and others, these feelings may have led you down one of two tracks – to conformity or to rebellion.
Conformers
For those who conform, fear and shame subordinates, leads you to do as you are told, to do as the controller (or master) commands. Conformity leads to a gradual annihilation of yourself, your life-force, your aliveness. You become hypervigilant – always walking on egg shells for fear of doing something wrong – and then getting attacked because of it. The conformist is always aware of what others might be thinking and feeling. Always watching carefully in an attempt to keep safe.
Rebellers
For those who rebel, fear and shame lead you to reject controllers. They lead to seeking out other people who similarly rebel against controllers. They lead to affiliation with ‘bad boys’ and/or ‘bad girls’. They lead to deriding and bucking the authority that would squash you. Paradoxically, though, these behaviours lead the ‘rebellious’ to creating the SAME system. A new group which also entails hierarchies consisting of controllers and followers.
Here’s the nub. Groups of ‘bad boys’ and ‘bad girls’ have hierarchies consisting of controllers and followers.
There is a pattern here . . .
Aligning yourself with other rebels
You take the same controller ideas, techniques and values with you when you hang out with ‘bad boys’ and ‘bad girls’. Someone there tells the others what to do. Wherever you are on that spectrum, means you might become that controller. Or you might become the follower.
If you become the abusive controller within your new group of ‘bad boys’ or ‘bad girls’ – your fear and shame may make you violent. It will make you use and abuse others so that you feel powerful. You will do whatever it takes to win. You will do whatever it takes to avoid feeling fear, shame, weak or vulnerable. You will demand ‘respect’ from all your followers by making them scared of you. This is the bully pathway to becoming a domestic violence perpetrator.
If you become the loyal, acquiescent follower in your new group of ‘bad boys’ or ‘bad girls’ – yet again you lose yourself. You subordinate yourself to someone else’s rules. You treat the controller as the authority, as if they are right, as if they have the right to shape who you are and what you do. You suppress your own thoughts and feelings because the controller does not want your views. Sadly, the controller can only be who they are because you and other followers support them. But you think: “There is safety with my peers, this is better than other controllers” like teachers, mothers, fathers, sports coaches telling you what to do. You believe your new friends are superior to them and so deserve your respect. You and your friends all hate those other controllers. You gang up against them. But you never admit, or don’t easily recognise, that you are scared of the new controller that you have attached yourself to. You try to please them. The rot sets in. This is a pathway to becoming a victim of domestic violence. And – ironically – this is another pathway to becoming a domestic violence perpetrator.
How to step out of the loop of power and control
Given that fear and shame are the lifeblood of one-sided power and control – for both controllers and followers – it is pretty difficult for either to muster the courage to step away from this pervasive social problem. Change requires courage.
- The first step towards change is awareness. You have to be honest about the ways you are losing yourself. What are the costs to you of controlling others or of aligning yourself with controllers? Do you truly feel the psychological and physical safety you had hoped for? Be honest – deep down can you actually trust the controller? Do you feel respected for your own opinions, your own values – do you even have any?
- The second step is naming a clear set of pro-social values for yourself to move towards. When you run away from situations without clearly defining what you are moving towards you repeat old patterns. Your new set of values needs to honour your aliveness and to honour the aliveness of others.
Linking freedom with responsibility
Some people believe they have the right to freedom. But the perpetration of one-sided power and control means TAKING freedom from others. Whereas true freedom is always accompanied by responsibility – not only for yourself – but for others.
- True freedom entails responsibility for the rights of others as well as yourself – which entails compromise.
- True freedom does not mean stomping on others.
- True freedom means risking possible rejection, being scoffed at or ostracised. But who specifically are you afraid will reject you?
Often perpetrators and victims of one-sided power and control are too scared to change because they are trying to gain acceptance from other people – especially people who make them feel psychologically unsafe. Who do you try to please? Do you feel 100% free to be yourself around them?
Social responsibility
It is rare for bystanders to step in and take a stance against one-sided power and control.
Why is this?
- Family relationships are considered private
- Bad school boys are left to their own devices so they can ‘toughen’ up and become so-called ‘real’ men
- Some ‘bad’ girls receive honour, prestige and acceptance from so-called friends for being violent
- Violent boys most certainly receive such kudos from particular complicit male and female friends
- Some consider it okay that heterosexual people to make fun of homosexual people
- Others believe men have the right to control women
- Yet others believe it is a parent’s right to control children by demeaning them
Many people do not understand the subtleties of power and control and the harm it causes. Some people knowingly condone this form of abuse, whilst others just don’t see it. Following the principles of Deep Ecology I consider the richness and diversity of all humans should be allowed to flourish. But one-sided power and control not only diminishes the life-force of the victim, it paradoxically diminishes the life-force of the perpetrator.
I’ll leave you with questions that Mahatma Gandhi might ask:
- Do your actions work against others’ freedom to flourish?
- Do your actions enable others’ freedom to flourish?
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
In your list of reasons why you think bystanders do not do anything when they see situations of one-sided power and control, I think you also need to add that bystanders are themselves in fear of the controller/abuser and just want an easy life and not to get involved. It´s always very hard to see bystanders acting this way and specially if they are/were supposed friends, but unfortunately in situations involving bullying and instilling fear, this often happens, and they will be afraid to be targeted and made MORE afraid themselves. However if bystanders were to be made aware of the huge differences they could make by speaking up for truth in whatever way is appropriate in their situations, then they might do more. More awareness is needed in order to make the world a better place. Thanks for your intelligent website, I am sure many people find it helpful :0)
Hi Louisa … Yes, you’re exactly right – bystanders rightly have something to fear. Some men I interviewed for my PhD research said they believed they had the right to treat their partners the way they did, that it was no one else’s business and that they had physically beaten up some male bystanders who intervened (whether they were strangers, friends or family). On the other hand, a violent reaction was not always the case. Additionally, some of the men said any time others intervened, planted a seed that contributed to engaging in future change.